I think that all parents dream that their children fulfill our requests, that they listen to our opinion and know that if we talk about something, then this is really useful and necessary information.
But very often we are faced with the fact that when we say something to a child, even if he hears us, he very rarely reacts. And if he reacts, then for the tenth, hundredth time.
What to do? How to build such a relationship so that children respect us and consider us an authority, listening to our opinion? Read the article obedient child in 10 steps.
1. Respect your child
No phrases like “You are so and so!”, “Only people like you!”, “How can you?!”, “Look at others!” and other things that may affect your child's personality.
The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone insults us, respect for this person automatically disappears, and it is almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says.
In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering this person an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words disappears for us.
2. Be a source of interesting information
70% interesting, educational, new and only 30% adjustments and some kind of moralizing.
It is very important that if you want you to become an authority for your child, and he will truly voluntarily listen to your opinion, you must keep up with the times. Your child must understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always give advice, and that you have the information he needs.
If you see that his focus is decreasing, know that you have gone too far in moralizing and in some information that is not very attractive to him. Return again to interesting information, return to what will help you build your relationship with your child and, accordingly, naturally achieve obedience and respect for you.
3. Lead by example, don't be unfounded
It is very important that your words do not diverge from your actions.
I think that if you see any person who declares some very important truths to the public, but then you find out that he lives completely differently, your respect and trust in him will drop very sharply.
The same thing happens with our children. If a mother talks for a very long time, with instructions, about how bad it is to say bad words, and then the child sees that the mother uses these words in a conversation with someone or on the street while driving when she was cut off, then he understands that not everyone What mom or dad says is important, not everything is worth following because mom, while telling me one thing, herself acts differently.
The classic situation is when parents smoke and the child is told that smoking is not allowed. I'm not talking about coming and smoking a cigarette in front of him.
But if your child has grown to the age when he asks you: “Mom, is smoking bad?” you tell him: “That’s bad!” If he asks: “Mom, do you smoke?”, then a much better effect would be to say: “You know, this is really a huge problem for me. I smoke - it's very bad. I have such and such consequences, and I really hope that you will never do this!”
4. Don't ask rhetorical questions
A very common situation that I, unfortunately, also encountered at the birth of my first child.
When we enter the room, and toys are scattered there again, or when we come to school, and there again the teacher says that he was not prepared for the lesson, or did something wrong, or did not do his homework as needed. to do, and not because there was no time. But because I simply didn’t consider it necessary.
And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How many times can I tell you!”, “When will this finally end?”, “I’ve already told you 180 times!”, “All children are like children, and you!”, “ Why are you behaving like this?”, “Will this ever end or will it not end?!”
What should a small child answer when someone comes to him with such a proposal? “Mom, you’ve told me this 25 times already! On the 26th time I realized that I won’t do this again and it won’t happen again!”
But this is not real, is it?
Often, if a mother comes into a room and it’s not tidy, and she starts saying: “Again, the toys are scattered, again, things are lying around in the closet!”, while she says all this, she collects it all herself. Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not understand what to say, he misses all further information.
Moreover, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of talking. And again, our words become just a background for him. He only hears these first phrases, and further concentration of attention drops completely.
It is much better, if you want to achieve results, to speak in clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. I will be pleased, please do this and that!”
Don't be afraid that these will seem like authoritarian phrases. These are clear and understandable guidelines for what we want to achieve from our children. If you say them politely, it is much clearer and much more realistic for children to understand what their parents actually want from them.
I want to reveal another secret that the same formula will help women communicate better with their men because very often, if we also start asking our men such rhetorical questions - how many times should I tell you? - They, just like children, don’t hear us.
5. Don't expect the impossible
Do not demand that your child, after your first request, fulfill all orders and tasks with lightning speed, and simply obey you after the first word.
We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.
Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a small person under 14 years old is for sure! - is designed in such a way that if he is busy with something - he reads, he watches some program, he draws something, or he just sits and thinks about something - then his concentration on everything else drops greatly.
Indeed, a child who is really doing something may not hear us. While in us this causes a very strong reaction, some kind of resentment, and in the end we repeat it once, twice.
When we lose our temper and shout, this irritating factor is very strong, the child flinches, reacts, starts doing something, and in the end it seems to us - a standard phrase for many mothers - “You only need to shout at you in order to you did it!"
It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something, go up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.
You come up, pat him on the shoulder or head, hug him and say: “Please do this or that!” - the reaction to such an appeal will be much faster, much more willing, and the child will really understand what you want from him.
6. Don't manipulate feelings
When a mother, trying to force a child to act in one way or another, wants to arouse his pity, or, as we usually say, awaken his conscience, telling him that “...dad works two jobs, I’m spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, still a little brother, don’t you see how hard it is for us? Can’t you do your basic work – do your homework?”
Note to moms!
Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...
Unfortunately, very often all this is also mixed with a feeling of guilt, which parents try, perhaps not even consciously, to evoke in the child, saying that “...we are doing this for you, dad is working hard to get you into a good institute.” entered!"
What's happening? A small person cannot cope with feelings of guilt. He doesn’t yet understand how important it is that dad goes to work so that he can have something there in the future. He lives here and now, he is not able to bear and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain that the parent experiences, all the severity of his life or some issues.
And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend itself from what could destroy it. How is the psyche protected? Ignorance, reluctance to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask, “How are you?” - "Fine!"
Therefore, if you want to achieve some things from your children, tell them honestly and without unnecessary emotions that “I need your help now.” “I would be very pleased if you could help me.” “I can’t cope without you now!” “If you can, I will be very grateful to you!”
Such things are much more effective than if we try to put pressure on pity and cause some kind of feeling of guilt from our children.
7. Don't use threats
Sometimes, if our children don’t do something right away, and time is running out, or we have repeated it tenth or twentieth time, many parents resort to threatening: “If you don’t do it now!” or “If you don’t shut up in the store now, I don’t know what I’ll do to you!” “I’ll give you this... When we come home, you’ll get it from me!”
What happens? It turns out that children, who naturally should see guardianship, care and protection in their parents, begin to see us as a threat and act out of fear.
I don't think any parent wants to have a relationship with their children that is based on fear. Because if our children's obedience is based on fear, it will only ever lead to 2 things:
- This is that sooner or later there will be a rebellion, and at the age of 14 we will receive the full program of absolute ignorance, snapping, and rudeness from children. We will wonder where they come from? But this is all the spring that we compressed with such threats, disrespect, and some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.
- Or the second point - if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we simply broke him.
In this case, he will respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because his function of defending his opinion and his desires will simply be broken.
If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation, some other alternative to threats.
Let’s say, “You do this now, mom can buy butter at the store, and we’ll make cookies with you!” or “If you help me now, then I will be happy to collect toys with you later and we can play something together!”
It’s even better if we offer some kind of barter. For some reason, many people don’t like this scheme, but in fact it’s not scary that we offer the child a trip to the cinema or some gifts in return. It is important that in the end, if we achieve what we want, the parent focuses not on the gift, but on what the child did.
He performed some action, tell him: “I am so pleased!” “It was so great!” “You did it after all.” “You did so well—much better than I could have ever expected!”
If we act in this way, then over time the child will understand that pleasing you also gives him pleasure, and no additional mechanisms will be needed.
8. Be grateful
Very often we take the good deeds of our children for granted, especially if they have already grown out of very early childhood.
In fact, it turns out that if he does something - a good grade, or he succeeded in something, or he folded the toys himself, made the bed - there is no reaction. The child sees a reaction from his parents only when he has done something wrong.
What happens? Children's natural need is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, differentiation occurs as a person. If he hears only negative things from us, this feeling of himself as an individual - self-confidence, the desire to be good, the understanding that you are important to someone, that they love you, it is not filled.
In the future, the child can fill out this function in other places: on the street, in some company, where it will be easy for someone to say: “You are so great!” And then for this “Well done” he will be ready to do anything.
Therefore, thank your children, say thank you to them, and do not be afraid that this will happen often.
I'm not talking about putting you on a chair and clapping your hands for every spoonful of porridge you eat. But what I am saying is that it is worth noticing the little things that our children do every day because in fact, what seems ordinary to us is often hard work for another person.
9. Remember what you want to achieve
Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself – what kind of reaction am I expecting? Why am I going to say this now?
If you ask yourself about this, then in many cases you will understand that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your fatigue.
As we have already said before, doing this to a person who is younger than you, whose psyche is still much more touching and much weaker than yours, is simply unacceptable.
Therefore, if you can always ask yourself such a question, I am sure you will avoid many conflict situations and will not say very many words that you would not like to say.
This formula sometimes seems like just some kind of pipe dream. This is a skill - the ability to ask yourself such a question is truly a skill. When you learn to do this, it will help you not only in communicating with your children. This will help you in communicating at work, in communicating with your husband.
Before each phrase, you can take a breath inside yourself and ask: “This reaction now - what will it lead to? What do I want to achieve?
Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation and we understand that at this stage we do not want to behave in the best way, which gives us the opportunity to choose the right strategy for behavior and communication with our children.
10. Don't expect perfect behavior from children.
Shouldn't we expect ideal behavior from our children? because we'll never get it.
Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their own: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, when no matter how we behave, at some point they will say “No” all the time, they will snap back.
All we have to do at this moment is to love them because when a person is good, he is very easy to love. We especially need love precisely when we do not do the best things.
I am sure that in the life of every adult, if we are wrong, there will be at least one person who will always believe in us and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different. You are really good, and we will cope with all difficulties!”
Therefore, I wish you to become just such people for your children, and then they will always respect you, not just listen, but hear and gladly fulfill your requests and wishes.
Note to moms!
Hello girls! Today I will tell you how I managed to get in shape, lose 20 kilograms, and finally get rid of the terrible complexes of fat people. I hope you find the information useful!
The art of education is not to defeat a child, but to ensure that fighting as such does not arise, and that the child does not develop the habit of hysteria. This method is called the prevention of hysterics, and it will be discussed in the article.
Think about the reasons
Show in full..
What is behind today's hysteria? Is it just a situational, random reason, or is there something systemic here that will be repeated? You can ignore the situational and random: relax and forget. And if we are talking about something that can be repeated, you need to think more seriously. Since a tantrum is a child's erroneous behavior, think about the reasons for such behavior.
Your example is important
Teaching a child to have order if you yourself have a mess in your room and on the table is a very controversial experiment. You may not have the psychological skill to do this. If in your family order is naturally respected by all adults, then the child will most likely absorb the habit of cleaning at the level of elementary imitation.
Teach your child to listen and obey you
Teach your child to listen and obey you, starting with the simplest and easiest things. It is better to do this sequentially, from easy to difficult. The simplest algorithm is “Seven Steps”.
Step 1. Teach your child to do your tasks, starting with what he wants to do himself. Nikita loves to clap her hands. “How does Nikita clap his hands? Good girl, Nikita! Now, Nikita, show me how the car hums! Amazing!" - you teach him to do what you tell him. He learns to listen to you.
Step 2. Teach your child to fulfill your requests, reinforcing this with joy. If you call a child, he should come to you. Or better yet, come running and immediately. Start with situations when the child will come running to you with pleasure, and you either give him something tasty, or hold him close and pat him on the head, or play with him for at least a minute. Soon start calling, but without the tasty stuff. But if they called, he must come. It doesn’t work right away - you have to repeat it, but achieve it. Pay his attention and ask him to come when mom calls. Don’t swear, but say: “When mom calls, you have to come right away,” and kiss!
Step 3. Do your own thing without reacting to the child, in cases where you yourself are confident that you are right and know that everyone will support you. You are all in a hurry to get to the train, packing your things. In this case, the child’s whims “Well, play with me!” will be easily ignored by everyone, including grandmothers. Teach your child that there are things that are important. Teach your child the phrase “this is important.” If you crouched in front of him and, looking into his eyes, holding his shoulders, calmly and firmly say: “The adults need to get ready now, and we’ll play with you later. It is important!" - then soon the child will begin to understand you.
Step 4. Demand the minimum, but when everyone supports you. The child has already grown up enough not to take away a toy from someone else’s child, to pick up a fallen mitten himself, to put porridge in his mouth on his own. Always look for those moments when your demands will be supported by everyone around you. If your requests are too many and the child cannot keep up with them, or you do not have the support of others, then do what you want from the child yourself.
Step 5: Give assignments with confidence. Let the child do them when it is easy for him. Make sure that your child always has things that he needs to do at your request. The child should not lose the understanding that he has tasks to do, and he must do them. Make your bed, take a cup with you, wash the dishes, run to the store - most likely, it’s easier and cheaper for you to do all this yourself, but you are a teacher, so your task is to restrain yourself, not do it yourself and entrust it to your child every time .
Step 6. Give difficult and independent tasks. Gradually move on to increasingly difficult and independent tasks.
Step 7. Demonstration of the result. Ask your child to show you the results of the work done. When the baby already learns this, you can be proud - before you is an adult, responsible person.
Is your daughter or son playing around again, and all attempts to get them to do what needs to be done are in vain? Move on to another tactic.
Sometimes it is difficult for parents to understand why a child who has been obedient until now suddenly stops doing what the parents ask. How to teach a child to obey his parents the first time, so as not to resort to raising his voice, punishment and other methods of influence? Psychologists and teachers recommend starting with yourself, because kids often copy mom and dad, considering their behavior ideal.
What should be the approach to education
When a son or daughter suddenly categorically refuses to go home from a walk, or does not want to put away his toys, the first response of mom and dad in most cases is irritation and indignation that the baby behaved this way.
It’s another matter if parents show a little imagination and come up with an interesting activity at home that will allow them to take their child away from a walk without tears, or, for example, organize a competition to collect toys to see who can do it the fastest! Of course, the child will gladly accept your rules of the game and a possible conflict will be resolved.
The fact is that at a certain stage of a child’s growing up, it is important for parents to understand that the child becomes an independent person, begins to separate from his mother and no longer just does everything he is told, but begins to show character, expresses his own opinion and decides what he wants to do, and what not. In order for a child to obey his own parents, he must follow five simple rules.
Give your child more freedom
To teach your child to obey, try to minimize restrictions; sometimes it turns out that the child is told “no” too often! There shouldn’t be many prohibitions, it’s clear that you shouldn’t allow a child to stick his hands into a fire, lean out of an open window and cross the road on his own, but running through a puddle, playing with a stick in the yard, drawing on his hand with a felt-tip pen, just sitting on the asphalt - this can be resolved!
By doing things like this, a young man studies the wonderful world around him, how he will understand what asphalt feels like if he doesn’t touch and sit on it for a few minutes, how he will learn how wet, deep and dirty a puddle can be if he doesn’t walk through it at least once in a lifetime?
Allow your child to move more, run, jump, scream while walking, remove some of the prohibitions that are not so important, then in most cases the child will listen to you, hear and fulfill your requests.
Control your own emotions
If you want your child not to scream when something doesn’t work out for him, to stop throwing objects in case of failure and not to throw fists at his peers, start analyzing the situation with all members of your family. Indeed, how can one demand adequate behavior from a child if the parents themselves do not mince words and are accustomed to sort things out in a raised voice?
How often mothers complain that their daughter or son understands them only when they scream, this is actually very sad. It turns out that the child heard shouts from his parents so often that he got used to reacting only to them, and was unaccustomed to the normal tone of the conversation. To teach your child to obey the first time, and not to bring communication to such a state, teach your child from an early age to speak in a calm voice, without shouting at each other.
If you want obedience and adequate child behavior, then start with yourself, try to be a good example for your own child. Talk respectfully to your husband, your parents, and relatives. Stay in line at the store and don't lash out at your neighbors.
Make time for games
By playing various role-playing games with your son or daughter, you can understand what is going on in the child’s soul; if he is worried about problems in kindergarten or is afraid of something, then this can be shown in a game with his favorite fairy-tale characters.
Often, children's disobedience at the age of 3-5 years is a manifestation of the fact that something is really bothering the baby and with the help of toys you can also stage a solution to the problem. This technique is often used by psychologists, but you are much closer to your child, so you can also help him. Do not forget about, which also require a subtle approach.
Have angelic patience
If you decide to take the path of correction and not punish your child for disobedience with harsh methods, but try to have long explanatory conversations, explain how you can behave and how not, be patient. Changes in behavior will certainly occur, but not immediately, but after some time.
When your son and daughter believe in your sincerity, understand that for any disobedience they do not immediately get hit in the butt, but are treated like an adult, then they will gradually behave less aggressively and will meet their parents halfway.
Keep your child busy with interesting activities
Most children begin to behave badly and disobey their parents out of idleness, when they simply have nothing to do. In case you yourself cannot play with your baby, prepare 10-20 ideas in advance about what you can offer your bored son or daughter.
Nowadays, children's stores offer a huge number of goods for children's creativity, stock up on interesting options, maybe it will be a set for creating a beautiful picture, an applique, a craft from, choose what might really interest your child.
Put all your purchases in a bag and hide it away from the child, and at the moment when he begins to languish from boredom and mischief, offer him a set for creativity, then the child will be busy, and the parents will be able to continue going about their business. Research further to neutralize this problem. which a child can handle.
Be consistent in your actions
If you categorically prohibit something, then you must always observe this prohibition, for example, in the case when you say that now is time to go to bed, put the child in the crib immediately. Don't let your words differ from your actions. After all, as soon as the child understands that the mother says one thing and does another, he will conclude that he should not take his parents’ words seriously.
The next time the baby does not want to obey his mother and begins to tantrum, he will be convinced that with his behavior he can achieve what he wants. Try to be consistent in your upbringing and make sure that words do not diverge from deeds.
Don't forget to praise and appreciate
Any parent can scold their child, but, unfortunately, not every adult can note something good in him or praise him for a positive action. Notice how many times a day you scold your child and how many times you praise your child; in fact, parents note that they make much more comments than they say kind words during the day. It's time to improve and start seeing more positive aspects in your child.
It is important for parents to understand that with age a child becomes an independent person, and he has the right not to obey, but it is adults who are able to gently resolve all conflicts and negotiate, to make sure that the child listens to you, and you understand him and take into account his opinion. Look for even more useful tips in the section of our website.
Ekaterina Morozova
Reading time: 7 minutes
A A
All parents at some time have to solve the problem of how to raise an obedient child. And the sooner they start raising their child, the better it will be for everyone.
A child who does not obey parents and teachers brings a lot of unpleasant worries , and not only to loved ones, but even to passers-by on the street. Those children who grew up in conditions of complete freedom cannot distinguish between what they are allowed to do and what they are not.
The process of education is a very long one. Therefore, if you want your child to only make you happy with his actions and behavior, and not upset you, then you should be patient .
Seven basic parenting secrets that will help you find mutual understanding with your offspring and tell you how to teach your child to be obedient:
- Be consistent in your upbringing. That is, if a ban was introduced on something, for example, not to leave the yard, or not to run out onto the roadway after the ball, then it must be observed every day, without giving concessions. Children are actually very good psychologists, and they will instantly understand where mom and dad are weak, and this also applies to established rules. And, as soon as they feel this, they will begin to believe that it is not necessary to follow the rules; accordingly, all prohibitions can be violated. That is why it is necessary to teach a child to be obedient consistently.
- Be firm and at the same time gentle. As practice shows, it is very difficult to raise children with only one cry, and even more so with anger. In order for a little person to develop obedience skills, he must know that he is loved and is punished not out of hatred, but out of love for him. Emphasize love, attention and affection, but be firm in your beliefs. This way you will show your child that you love him very much and know how he feels, but he will still have to follow the established rules.
- Be an example for your children. Many parents rack their brains over the question of how to make their child obedient, but they do not want to change their habits and established lifestyle. But they forget that a child does not perceive any moral teachings as much as the personal example of his parents. Research shows that children are very sensitive at a very early age. And therefore, they try to subconsciously imitate the closest adults whom they see every day and whom they trust most - their parents. And therefore, it is very important that parents behave as they should and become a good example for the child. Without exception, all the rules that are established for children must be impeccably followed by adults. For example, if the father smokes, then it will be very difficult to explain to the child why it is harmful and why this should not be done.
- Punish appropriately. Every year, children grow and constantly try to find new activities for themselves - thus, finding out what is allowed to do and what is not. An appropriate punishment for the child’s misdeeds should be determined. For example, if a child has committed a minor offense, you don’t need to not talk to him for three days because of it, it’s better to show that this is unpleasant for you. You can’t intimidate a child, it won’t do him any good. Just make it clear that all the rules set by the parents must be followed, otherwise there will be punishment. Read also:
- Develop a reward system. How to raise an obedient child - encourage him, noticing even the smallest victories and positive changes in his behavior. If your baby is obedient, not capricious, does not break the rules and fulfills your requirements, then encourage him in any way - with a kind word or praise. In this case, the child will have a good incentive to be obedient, he will know that he is acting correctly, and he will continue to act correctly, including to justify your trust. Children are especially pleased when their parents say they are proud of them. And - remember: this is the usual explanation for many adults: “That’s how it should be!” - It does not work! Take the time and effort to explain to your son or daughter in detail where this or that rule came from. And even if the child does not understand something, he will still not be harmful, because he will feel that you are interested in him. And most likely, he will ask himself if something is unclear.
- Reward your child correctly. Even for adults, rewards are a great incentive to work harder and more diligently. This also applies to children. In order for your child to behave obediently for a while, you can tell him in advance what awaits him. For example, this could be a trip to the cinema to see a new cartoon, to the zoo, new toys, sweets, access to computer games, etc. But to get it, he must fulfill your requirements. This method works well, however, do not abuse it, since the child will only be obedient for a “bribe” in the form of a nice gift.
- And finally - you must adhere to the chosen line of upbringing, think the same way with your spouse and all your grandparents, aunts and uncles. Otherwise, your offspring will take a bad fashion of manipulation. A husband and wife should support each other in everything, even if they think completely differently, or even if they are divorced. How to raise children must be agreed upon in their absence. A child will be obedient only if both mom and dad are the authority. Read also:
And remember - an obedient child can only grow up in a family where he is loved and everything is done for his good!
How do you raise your child? Does everything work out in education, and what are the mistakes? Share your stories in the comments below!
Michael Thompson, Ph.D., a child psychologist, wrote an article about proper parent-child interaction and how to avoid yelling at a child and get his attention.
“A very typical situation: a father asks his eight-year-old son for the fifth time in a row to take a bath or shower. After the fifth request goes unheeded, the father picks up the boy and carries him to the bathroom. A few minutes later, the child, still unwashed, wanders into another room to play a video game."
Elizabeth Colbert
This situation can become critical. Most parents I know deal with various manifestations of it. Why doesn't my child fulfill requests the first time? It's a good question and there's a good answer, several in fact.
Here are eight top reasons and solutions that actually work.
Children don't share our priorities
No child understands why the bathroom seems so important to adults. If he is passionate about something, it is important to him. This may seem insignificant to you, but children's play is work, this is how the child learns. And that's great. You want your child to be able to find something to do on his own, and not expect you to entertain him?
Solution
Establish contact with your child. Pay attention to his work and try to understand the priorities:
“Wow, what a complex railway you built! Can you show me how it works?Then partially agree with his plans:
“It's time to take a bath. Are you going to wash now or in five minutes? Okay, five minutes and straight to the bathroom? Agreed!"
We have taught our children not to pay attention to us until we start screaming or making threats.
Your child is not stupid. He understands that he can buy time if he doesn't pay attention to you. This is not because he is bad. If he's like the eight-year-old boy who ignored his father's request five times, then he's learned not to take you seriously. Until you scream. But is it possible to shout at a child?
Solution
Instead of giving directions from across the room, approach your child and touch him. Make contact - comment on his activities. Then say:
"Sorry... I need to tell you something."Wait until the child looks you in the eyes. If he is staring at the screen, warn him that you are going to stop the game or turn off the TV. Don't give directions until you look each other in the eye.
The child must understand that you are serious. If you can't catch your eye, ask them to repeat your words. Give only one warning, and then do what you were warned about. If you don’t do this, then teach your child not to take your words seriously.
Children need our help to change activities
Think about how difficult it can be to look away from the computer screen and pay attention to a whining child. Children react to our nagging in the same way as we react to their whining. This means that they are simply trying to ignore us.
Solution
Give one warning. When you return in five minutes, make contact again by commenting on the game:
“Wow, look how those trains go!”Remind me about your agreement:
“Okay, it's been five minutes. Do you remember our agreement: five minutes and go straight to the bathroom. It's time to wash."Then smoothly move from the game to the request:
“You want these two locomotives to derail and go to the bathroom? I'll take this one, and you take that one; let's try!"
The frontal lobes of children's brains are still developing
Children's frontal lobes are just developing the ability to switch from what the child wants to what you want. Every time you demand that you give up your desire in order to fulfill yours, the child must make a choice. When he decides that his relationship with you is more important, he will follow your request. When he does this, his brain learns to make decisions and move on to more complex behaviors.
This is how children develop self-discipline. But this only works if your child “switches” of his own free will. If you try to force him or yell at him, he will resist rather than make a choice. And the neural connections responsible for self-discipline will remain unformed. There is a “self” in the word “self-discipline” because it is an internal choice.
Solution
When setting a limit, try to be friendly so that the child wants to cooperate with you. In this case, his brain will gain practical experience of achieving a higher goal.
Children don't feel heard, they feel rejected
Not only does the child not hear his parents, but vice versa. We cannot force children to obey unless we want to cause physical harm or wound the soul. They must want to cooperate with us. Fortunately, children usually trust us and follow our rules. As long as they feel heard and feel like they have at least a small amount of control or choice.
Solution
Accept his point of view. If possible, provide a choice.
“I hear you, you speak clearly and clearly - no bath! You really don't want to take a bath. I bet when you grow up you'll never take a bath, right? And tonight you need to take a bath. You have a choice. You can take a bath or shower.”Sometimes your child's opinion can convince you to compromise or change your position. This is wonderful. Just explain the reasons so that the child knows that your opinion changed due to his decision, and not stubbornness.
They don't feel connected to us
When a child does not follow our instructions, it means that he does not feel connected to us. Why does he feel distant? He may have been away from you all day. Or you lost your temper this morning. Or he's mad at you because you always have the baby in your arms. Or you use timeouts to maintain discipline. Or simply because he is a small person in a big world and it scares him. And all these fears hide inside and block the child’s ability to become closer to you.
Solution
Treat your child kindly, empathize with him - this will change your relationship. Be prepared for any manifestations of emotion on his part until one day he feels the warmth again. After the child expresses his emotions, his grief that weighed on him, he will again feel your connection.
The children waved their hand at us
Children seek support and advice from their parents. If they are convinced that we are on their side, they want to please us. Therefore, if a child behaves defiantly or clashes arise between you, this indicates that your relationship needs to be strengthened.
Solution
Half an hour of special time, one on one, every day. This method seems so simple that most parents underestimate it. But I have never encountered a situation where it would not work. He always encourages children to cooperate. It is a tangible expression of your love, your willingness to put your child first and adore him.Laughter also helps strengthen your relationship with your child, and a little fight can be the best way to make him laugh. Every child needs to laugh wholeheartedly morning and evening so as not to lose touch. When relationships get tense, laughter is the easiest way to bond.
They are people
Strength gives rise to resistance. Usually people resist control and children are no exception. Children with strong characters respond to pressure by resisting. The weaker, on the contrary, lose initiative and the ability to defend their interests.
Solution
Decide what is more important to you. Make sure your child knows you are on their side and they have choices. Teach him instead of trying to control him. If a child is heard, he will grow up to be a person who is able to think about himself, to stand up for what is right.
In discussions about the depravity of children, parents are always blamed for childish disobedience, as if obedience is the Holy Grail to be strived for. But don't you want to raise a child who is self-disciplined and cooperative? This is completely different from obedience, where discipline is imposed from the outside. As H.L. said. Menke: “To act morally means to do what is right, regardless of what you are told. To obey means to do what you are told, whether it is right or wrong.”
Colbert's quote that opens this post is from an article that doesn't mention any of the above reasons why kids don't follow our directions. Colbert explains this by saying that "parents seek approval from their children" and "worry about hurting... their children by upsetting them."
This accusation comes up in every discussion about the depravity of children, but I simply ignore such comments. The man who carried his eight-year-old child to the bathroom was not afraid to set a limit. But it seems to me that the son did not follow his instructions, because the father himself did not follow them. He taught his child to ignore him. And, most likely, their evening ended with shouting or beatings, which does not contribute to respect from the child and strengthening the bond between father and son. And, therefore, negates future cooperation.
Does kindly setting limits really require that much effort? Only at first. Of course, it would be much easier if the children immediately obeyed our instructions. But the good news is that consistent implementation of the above methods not only increases the child’s self-discipline. This raises a person who knows that you are firm in your decisions and therefore does not need to be asked several times to do something. And now it will be much easier for you to convince your child to take a bath.
Translation by Svetlana Solovyova
