How to cope with parting with mom children's affection for their parents. How to cope with parting with a child I called on the phone and talked to my son three or four times a day

If children have to be separated from their parents, even for a short time, the stress of such separation can have far-reaching consequences. For young children, time does not pass at the same speed as for adults. “Just a few days” may seem like an eternity to them.

Painful separation of children from their parents

If a mother has to go away for several weeks, for example, to take care of her sick mother, then a child aged 6-8 months can be very upset, especially if only the mother has looked after him before. In this case, the baby has a noticeably depressed state, he loses his appetite, does not react to familiar (and unfamiliar) people. Very often he just lies on his back in the crib, turning his head from side to side, not trying to sit down and do something.

At 2-2.5 years of age, separation from the mother no longer causes such a state, but the child has a very strong feeling of anxiety. If the father or mother has to leave on urgent matters, or they decide to go to work without properly preparing the child for the fact that he will be looked after by a nanny or sent to kindergarten, then the baby does not show any visible frustration at first, noticing the absence of a parent. He gets along well with the nanny (one might even say that he behaves too well compared to the usual state), but when the parents return, then all the accumulated anxiety comes out. The child does not leave them a single step. He raises a cry as soon as the mother goes into the next room. He flatly refuses the services of a nanny, does not allow her to approach him and rudely pushes her away. When it comes time to go to bed, he clings to his father or mother with a stranglehold, so that he cannot even be put to bed. If the parents finally manage to unhook him, the child may even climb over the crib railing, which he never dared to do before, and run after them. This kind of panic literally breaks the heart of the parents. Even if they manage to persuade the baby to stay in the crib, he can sit in it all night.
If the mother needs to be absent for several days or there is a need to put the child in the hospital, then the baby can "take revenge" on the mother, refusing to acknowledge her after returning. Sometimes he even yells at her and can hit her out of anger.

What can be done

If the baby is still young, print a photo of the absent parent for him and place it where he can see it from his crib. You can give him some piece of parent's clothing to hold in his hands. Record the parent's voice as they tell them a favorite story or sing a song. Try to keep the separation as short as possible. For this period, it is better to entrust the care of the child to one of the relatives than to a babysitter.

For older children, you can make a calendar and mark the days remaining until the parent returns. Tell your child what you will do when mom or dad returns. Talk to him more often on the phone, write him letters, send messages by e-mail. If the separation lasts several months, time the expected return with a specific time of year or some other noticeable event for the child. Instead of telling the child that "Dad will be back in June," say: "First we will have winter, then it will be warm, the flowers will bloom, and then Dad will come home." Read stories to your child about families that were separated but then met. If the date of the parent's return is not precisely determined (for example, if the father is serving in the army outside the country), then it is very important to exchange letters, e-mail messages or phone calls with him, remembering with the child the past times when everyone was together and building plans for the future.

Parting of a child with parents

Although there are no two children in the world who would communicate with humanity in the same way, there are some general tendencies in the behavior of babies that you will notice during such an eventful second half of life. At six to nine months, children, interacting with the world around them, do not experience any difficulties. Passing a seven to eight month old baby in the temple, who is looking at you from behind someone's shoulder, smile at him, and, most likely, he will happily smile back at you. Such sunny smiles bestowed on almost every person are very pleasant. They cause affection and sympathy for the baby. But this will not last forever. A child's smiles do not mean that he is equally happy with all people. The care and attention he receives at home means a lot to him, and during these important months for you and your baby, his affection for family members grows.

Strangers and partings

Sometimes as early as six months, but usually between eight and twelve months, the baby, who used to feel very good in any society, begins to worry when meeting strangers. If a new person approaches him or one whom he has not seen for a while, the child will stare at him with wide eyes, whine and cling to you, hoping to find protection from you. This behavior is caused by fear of strangers.

All this can be very upsetting for Aunt Masha, who had never met her nephew before and expected joy and warm hugs from him. For a one-year-old child, fear of strangers is quite common. This fear does not disappear even in the second year of life, therefore, you yourself and Aunt Masha should relax, not be offended and remember that there is a fairly simple line of behavior that will help aunt and nephew to get closer.

Firstly, Aunt Masha should not try to touch the child, kiss him or pick him up. Even if she simply responds with a glance at the gaze of the child, he can immediately burst out with either frightened or indignant cry. Instead, as if nothing had happened, start a calm conversation with Aunt Masha, ignoring the curious toddler. Let the child see that you are not expecting any trick from his aunt, that you are pleased to deal with her, and then he will slowly get used to her being in the house. After a while, an exchange of glances, touches and attempts to play with Aunt Masha will let you know that she has been recognized as your own.

The flip side of fear of strangers is the fear of separation due to the baby's unwillingness to be separated from the person who cares about him the most. Usually (but not always) it's mom. Your baby may burst into tears when you walk out into another room for a moment or put him in the crib to sleep. Even if one of the relatives or a nanny stays with him, crying can turn into a real howl and will be accompanied by a stormy scene, during which the baby will literally stick to you.

Parting, even if it is short-lived, can revolutionize both the hearts of parents and a child's soul.

What can I say here: on the one hand, it is very pleasant to know that the kid values ​​your company so much. But if it is impossible to tear it away from you, as if it is glued to your body with heavy-duty glue, if you are doomed to listen to long cries of protest every evening until the child falls asleep, and if, finally, you cannot leave home for one evening without experiencing a feeling of great guilt in front of the baby screaming in every way, then you may well feel that you are chained to him with a strong chain.

In such situations, extremes should be avoided. Some mothers and fathers, especially the parents of the first-born, are imbued with the conviction that their main goal in life is to prevent the precious child from feeling unhappy even for a moment. They will do everything in their power, they will provide the child with whatever he wants, even the moon from the sky, and immediately and unconditionally, if only he would stop crying. Such efforts are not only in vain, but will also lead to the fact that the parents will have an utterly spoiled, selfish and unhappy creature in their hands. If mom and dad relate to parenting problems more easily, then they are not too worried about the baby's fear of parting. Nevertheless, they run the risk of being inattentive people, not observing conditions that are optimal for the normal development of the child's psyche. In both cases, parents try to follow the path of least resistance, which at this stage leads, it would seem, to good results. But who knows what price will have to be paid for this in the future?

If you are very sensitive to your child's emotions, but at the same time do not want to completely and completely obey his cries, then you will be greatly relieved to learn that the fear of separation is a natural phase of any baby's development. Believe it or not, you can deal with this problem. For example, if a nanny came to your house, then behave in the same way as in the case of Aunt Masha. Let the nanny come about half an hour before you leave to have time to get to know your baby in a relaxed atmosphere. If you want to "throw" your child somewhere, leave him in an unfamiliar environment, try to spend some time with him so that he can explore with you a new room for him. When it’s time to leave, don’t stir up the embers or let the flames of emotion flare up with a long, heartbreaking goodbye. After waiting for your offspring to do something for a couple with the nanny, quickly and affectionately say goodbye to him and leave. (If a child is destined to while away time with his adored grandfather and grandmother, or with his well-known uncle and aunt, then perhaps he will not react at all to your leaving.)

The separation process can be much more painful if the child is tired or hungry. So you need to calculate the time and leave the house after the baby has a good sleep and ate - in this case, the separation will most likely go smoothly. It would be nice to pick up some object that helps the child to calm down. (This trick can work when it's time to sleep — see below.) It can be either a stuffed toy or a small blanket. When the child has made his choice, buy another exactly the same thing (or, if this is a blanket, cut it in two) in case the "original" is lost somewhere or ends up in the washing machine. A worn-out, worn-out, covered with all sorts of stains and not even a very pleasant smelling thing (say, the most ordinary teddy bear) can become for your child the greatest treasure and souvenir from childhood.

Parting and sleep

For many children, separation becomes a major issue in the evening. As we said in the previous chapter, if a child is not used to falling asleep on his own for up to six months, then when you change the current rite of going to bed, you will have to go through several stormy nights. A child can, waking up in the middle of the night, not only scream at the top of his voice, but also manage to get up in the crib and start rocking it violently. And he will scream and shake the bed until you realize that you have no choice but to approach him. (Approaching the child, make sure that the mattress lies correctly, and the wall is raised to the maximum height, otherwise it may fall out of the crib.) And sometimes the baby, who used to fall asleep on his own and peacefully, suddenly changes his habits: he begins to cry, what is there forces, and you will not tear it away from you, even with the help of a tractor.

Laying the child down, you can put him into a sleepy state (but at the same time he should not fall asleep), feeding him with a breast or a mixture, rubbing in your arms, singing something melodic, and in addition giving him your favorite soft toy. Then put the baby in the crib, gently stroke the back, breast, arms and legs, calm down, say good night and leave. The same procedure will have to be repeated if he decides to wake up at night. But first you need to make sure that the child is not sick, that his diapers are dry and clean, that he is not entangled in the blanket. If something is wrong, then quickly correct everything, acting promptly, quietly and in a businesslike manner, and then once again wish the baby good night. At this age, the baby should not be fed at night: if you don’t stop doing this at six months, you will soon find yourself accompanying a sleepy baby who turns up his nose from the nutrients you are trying to pour into him.

If your child is over nine months old and continues to regularly wake everyone up two or three times a night, you need to think about more drastic measures. Choose a time - preferably before the weekend - and, after wishing your baby good night, ignore his protesting cries until morning, no matter how often or how long he cries. Remember that if you go up to a child after he has had time to cry to his heart's content, then he may be deposited in his head that the game is worth the candle. Of course, you do not need to practice such a "commanding" approach if the child is sick, if it is hot outside and all the windows in the house are open, if you need more or less sleep, or if (and this is most important of all) mom and dad are not ready to put their lives on to teach the child to be quiet at night.

In the morning greet the baby with a joyful smile, take him in your arms, caress him. Yes, you are ready to show him your immeasurable love, but from now on you will only do it during the day, and the night is meant for sleeping. Usually after three, at most four stormy nights, the child learns the lesson given to him and begins to sleep without waking up until the morning (of course, provided that everything is in order with him) If the child "walking" at night does not bother anyone, then you can let it be as it is. Ultimately, your baby will learn to sleep well at night: for some children this science takes many months, but then everything goes like clockwork.

Communication and safety

The second half of a child's life opens an extremely important phase in the development of not only motor activity, but also intellect and communication skills. Now inexhaustible curiosity and research activities, which we talked about above, are not limited only to things and objects. The child also collects a wealth of information about the people around him. Previously, he did not have too many opportunities for communication - he only cried if something did not suit him or he was hungry, or babbled something cute and inarticulate when everything was fine with him. But now he can make a great variety of different sounds, is able to gesture and move quite well.

As he exercises in all these activities, he begins to understand how parents, brothers, sisters and other people around him react to them. If he doesn't like something and he is crying, is there someone to help him? Or maybe you need to make some other sounds for this? What is more effective - crying or gestures and grimaces? If, having not received what he wants, the baby begins to cry (whine, squeal, puff, puff, and so on), will they give him what he wants? What happens if he picks up some of the objects he found and starts playing with them? If something was taken away from him and he was very upset, what would be my mother's reaction? Who makes it warm and comfortable for him? Who smiles at him while pronouncing tenderly? Who doesn't?

The kid is not able to formulate all these questions (after all, he does not know such words), but he will carefully observe your reaction to his actions and will learn a lot.

It is vital for him to know that he is constantly and very much loved. He will be simply happy when someone approaches him in response to the sounds of despair or pleasure he makes, helps him in something, or shares with him the joy of a new discovery. Paradoxically, he will feel safer when he realizes that those people who really love him do not necessarily rush to him at the first call. He will either wait a little before getting what he needs, or he will not get anything at all - but it will not harm him in the slightest if he will be gifted with many smiles, if he will be stroked, if they will talk to him kindly. On the contrary, he will understand that your love is protecting him, even if you are not with him at the moment, or even if this immense love leads to the fact that you sometimes refuse to fulfill some of his desires.

Any separation between a parent and a child is a great stress for both, and a long one even more so. And it doesn't matter how many months and years your child is, you will both miss a lot. Below are a few things you can do to make separation easier.

How to help a child (BEFORE breaking up)

If possible, do not disappear suddenly

Many people think that if the baby does not see the moment mom or dad leaves, it will be easier for him to get over their absence. And if he has to say goodbye, he will start crying and getting upset. Of course it will, and that's the whole point!

Psychologists remind: any emotions must be lived, and not suppressed or hidden. Otherwise, they will break through in the form of diseases, neuroses and other unpleasant things.

If you do not want your child to stutter without you, suffer from enuresis or gnaw on duvet covers, prepare him for the fact that you will need to leave. As early as possible, start a conversation about the fact that you will have to part for a while - this should not come as a surprise. Tell about why and where you are going, what you will do there - this will help the baby to come to terms with this fact and feel safe.

For small children who still cannot understand the meaning of your words, just train: leave for a while, leaving the baby with someone, and upon returning, be sure to hug, pick up, kiss (this ritual will let the baby understand that he is again under the protection of his mother or dad).

"Play" parting

The preschooler will help prepare for separation not only with conversations, but also with games on a trip / business trip. Play out the plot when the teddy bear leaves, and the bunny is waiting for him, writes letters, looks out the window, and, finally, the long-awaited meeting takes place. Or invite the little one to play the role of a traveler himself: let him pack his “suitcase”, wave his pen and “leave” for another room, and then return.

Don't forget about the gift!

Immediately before the day of departure, supply your child with a magic "secret": put air kisses in his pocket, which he can get when he is sad, or present a special amulet with which he will not part in your absence.

A wall calendar is a great solution!

Mark the day of your return on the calendar - let the little one count and cross out the days on their own or with the help of adults.

When leaving, do not give vent to emotions. The baby should see that you are calm, confident in yourself and in him, which means that there is no reason for worry.

How to help your child (DURING separation)

To brighten up the breakup, promise your child something pleasant: for example, that you will bring a souvenir from your trip or go with it to the circus on your return.

Be sure to contact your baby at the time of departure. Calls and video calls are a great way to create a sense of presence and exchange words of love. If you had to disappear suddenly or leave when the child was asleep, call him as soon as possible and explain the situation, tell us what you will do and when you plan to return.

In your free time, send messages and photos to your child (to his own phone or to adults who stayed with him).

If the separation is long, write paper letters and send postcards.

Toddlers will enjoy looking at your messages, and older kids will enjoy answering them and mailing their letters.

You can send not only letters, but also gifts (with or without reason). So the child will feel that you are thinking about him.

In the case when a parent is in the hospital for a long time, it is imperative that the children be allowed to visit him. When you know that your loved one has not disappeared anywhere, but is alive and is simply in another place where you can come to see him, it is much easier to survive separation.

It is useful when adults who stayed with the child play games with him that imitate the relationship with the parent who has left. You can, for example, write a note, put it in a bottle and send it down the river so that it swims to dad, who is now far out at sea.

Or leave a note for the mouse to take to mom in the hospital.

Be sure to agree with the relatives or the nanny who stays with the child what exactly they will talk about your departure. Lying in this case is unacceptable, especially for the purpose of manipulation ("If you behave badly, mom will not come back!"). Adults should explain to the kid where the parent has gone, encourage him, and also always ensure the connection between the parent and the child (read messages and letters, organize communication on Skype, etc.).

How to help yourself

Often, parents (especially mothers) experience separation more than children. They are worried, do not find a place for themselves, blame themselves for leaving. How to deal with emotions?

Take with you on your trip a photograph of your child, his craft or an amulet that he gave you. This will help you feel close even when apart.

Call, chat, exchange photos. Feel free to contact your child in all possible ways. Don't let the blues take over.

Plan your day, fill it with events, deeds and tasks for which you left. Tell colleagues and friends about your children and their achievements, show pictures of babies and drawings that they sent you.

Arrange a daily communication session with relatives. Let them tell at least a couple of words about how the day went and how the child was behaving - this will help you get rid of anxiety and bad thoughts. Well, if, together with them, the baby himself delights you with stories about what he has learned and what he has created - even better!

Remember that separation should not be perceived as a disaster, because in any case it will end with a long-awaited meeting. In addition, parting for a while is useful: it helps the child learn independence, and you - to prepare for the moment when the chick finally flies out of the nest. Do not worry, tune in and tune your child correctly, and the days of separation will fly by!

Love for your own children is a completely natural feeling. However, for some parents, this feeling is so strong that any separation from the child, even the shortest, is painful enough. It is so difficult for them to endure this time that they not only get nervous themselves, but also make the children nervous with constant calls, instructions, and so on.

What advice can you give to parents in this situation?

Of course, at first it will be difficult for you to experience separation from children. But if you behave correctly, you will feel much calmer over time. You will no longer call them several hundred times a day, constantly read lectures and instructions. Give your kids some freedom, it will only benefit your relationship.

Alena, Yekaterinburg

Psychologist's comment:

The author gives specific advice without trying to understand at all where and for what reason parents find it difficult to endure separation from their children. Moreover, from the context it suddenly becomes clear that we are talking about adult children, because they are already studying at the university or have left on their own to rest.

In fact, if the anxiety in the absence of adult children has become intolerable, this speaks only of one thing: the family has an inverted hierarchy, parents have taken the position of objects of care, and children provide (psychological) stability and safety.

The recommendations, therefore, are similar to the advice to the nanny "How to distract the child when mom left for work": remind him that mom will come soon, that if she does not go to work, she will not have money for toys and sweets, turn him on cartoons or read ... And in general: good boys take care of their mother and do not cry so that she does not worry.

Although, on the other hand, in a situation of separation from a loved one, we all fall into early childhood, when you sit at the door in a dark corridor and wait for only one thing: that there are footsteps outside the door and the key turns. And all life collapses to the size of this tiny illuminated patch in the hallway.

I would advise people who can hardly withstand the departure, loneliness, parting, try to answer the question "What do I feel now?" And then remember in what other situations this emotion arose when it appeared. Allow yourself to fully experience it (“I’m terribly bitter, scared, lonely, I feel abandoned”). And take care of yourself, a little one, with the strength of an adult: “I want to talk to someone - I’ll go and call my friend. I want to feel care of myself - I’ll go and brew myself some sweet tea. I'm bored - I'll watch my favorite TV show. "

That is, to do almost the same thing that is recommended in the article. But the primary thing is to become aware of the emotion and take responsibility for your life and mood.

Katerina Demina, psychologist

What is the risk of sudden separation from mom for children? How to rehabilitate a child after a long separation - whether it be an extreme situation when the guardianship and guardianship authorities are removed from the family, or, for example, the forced stay of the mother in the hospital?

In January 2017, the daughter of a citizen of Uzbekistan Nilufar Mamasaidova, due to lack of documents, was seized from her daughter, who had been alone in the hospital for 16 days. Another high-profile event is the removal of 10 children from the foster family upon a call from the caregivers, who noticed bruises on one of the children.

Photo source: matrony.ru

Comments Olga Pisarik- a mother of 4 children, a well-known psychologist, speaker, student and colleague of the world famous Canadian psychologist Gordon Newfeld, the author of the increasingly popular model of psychological development of personality based on attachment.

On the Russian-language Internet, Olga is known as an active popularizer of the theory of attachment, the creator of the Internet community of parents "Caring Alpha", director of the Russian branch of the Newfeld Institute, author of many articles and the popular brochure "Attachment is a vital connection."

- Olga, is any separation between a mother and a child traumatic for the baby?

First of all, you need to understand the importance of the connection between the child and the adult close to him.

Children are born very immature, and their survival directly depends on the presence of at least one adult around them, whom the child recognizes as “his own”. Without contact and closeness, the brain of the newborn receives a signal that survival is impossible and refuses to further struggle for life.

There are studies on the organization of care for newborn refuseniks in the United States, Romania and North Korea. The babies were kept in ventilated areas, received sufficient light and balanced nutrition, but were not handled. The mortality rate in such shelters reached more than 90%, several times higher than the death rate of newborns born in the poorest and dirtiest neighborhoods.

Contact and intimacy give the baby hope for survival, the lack of contact and intimacy is a signal to curtail the project called life.

Daughter Nilufar Mamasaidova, fortunately, is not a newborn baby and is not so acutely dependent on direct physical contact with her mother, but she is still very young so that separation from her mother does not become a serious shock for her. Yes, she was physically cared for, but strangers cared for, those who were not "her" adults for Manisha, those whom she does not trust!

"Hospital deprivation"

The consequences of such "care" were well described back in the middle of the last century by the English psychologist John Bowlby and even received a diagnosis of "hospital deprivation."

Photo source: pexels.com

Small children admitted to the hospital without parents, at first very grieved, refused to eat, did not allow the medical staff to approach them and cried inconsolably, but after a few days they fell silent, became inactive, indifferent to medical manipulations with themselves, “docile”. It became easier for the medical staff to do their job, and it was believed that the child was "used".

When parents visited such a "used" child, he turned away from them, could not look them in the eyes, ran away and hid, all that internal energy, which was previously aimed at maintaining contact and closeness with parents, was now directed at avoiding and repulsing this intimacy ...

Thus, any sudden separation of the child from the adults to whom he is attached is traumatic.

Based on the research of John Bowlby, English psychiatrists and psychotherapists Robertsons filmed documentaries about the peculiarities of a child's experience of grief from parting with his mother.

The most famous of these films is "John"... The parents sent their one and a half year old child to the Baby House for 9 days, so that the mother could give birth to her second child and wait for discharge from the maternity hospital.

The film at one time caused such a great resonance that it was after its release and wide discussion in England that the laws were changed: parents began to be allowed to stay with their children in the hospital. Before that, the child was in the hospital alone, and his parents visited him every three days.

Archaic shield against division

Many people who grew up in the Soviet years (and even in the 90s, when Dr. Spock was popular with his idea of ​​not taking children too often in his arms, not responding to the cry of a child at the first call, etc.) people believe that such a system education is quite successful, because "we were brought up that way, and we grew up as normal people." What do you think about this?

Yes, we were raised that way, and we grew up, but look around: do you like the society in which we live? Do you like the people around you? You like those police officers who, instead of solving the problem, actually take advantage of the woman's defenselessness in order to increase the rate of crime detection, to report to their superiors about a job well done. To be honest, I don't see anything good in the way we were raised.

The situation with children is well described from a scientific point of view, this psychological research has been around for many years, but, unfortunately, they are still unpopular in our country.

You may agree or disagree, but this is how it is: if a small child is taken away from his mother, he experiences stress, comparable to the stress of facing death. Contact and closeness are equal to survival, and separation is a signal of danger.

The child is faced with the feeling that contact and intimacy may disappear, I may lose my caring adult. If it seems to him that mom can go somewhere, he experiences exactly the same emotions as when mom goes somewhere. Of course, this also depends on the psychological stability of the child. Different children will experience the same event in different ways.

The reaction to a collision with separation is such an ancient, archaic survival mechanism that is literally “sewn in” into us, that it acts in the same way in adults.

Photo source: pexels.com

How should the guardianship authorities and police officers act when, on the one hand, according to the rules, it is impossible to leave children with their parents, and, on the other hand, they understand that sudden separation will injure them?

-Before taking the child away from the parents, you need to establish some kind of relationship with the child: find other relatives or let mom accompany the children to a social institution so that mom can calm them down so that mom says: “They will take care of you there for a while, wait a few days, I’ll come for you.” To somehow make it easier for children to stay in a hospital or an orphanage, to organize it in a human way.

After all, even if we leave the child with his grandmother or his aunt, we do not expel him from the bus at the bus stop in the hope that they will pick him up. We communicate, talk, console, promise to return soon.

Photo source: econet.ru

Separation complex

If the situation is not so extreme, if the police did not seize the child, but, for example, the mother went to the hospital and did not see the child for a week. How can you restore attachment after this separation?

In a social media post that accompanied the video of Niloufar and her daughter meeting after 16 days of separation, they wrote that this kind of trauma is like having an arm or leg cut off. I do not agree with this, because if you cut off a hand, it will no longer grow. Here the situation is different.

The brain, after all, is a flexible, plastic system, and nothing is unbearable for a person.

Another thing is that here and now, after separation, we really meet with another child.- he does not make contact and closeness, pushes us away, does not recognize us.

It must be understood that at home the parent will be confronted with a bouquet of emotions that is directly related to the experience. When the child thaws a little and begins to recognize the parent, he will have increased aggression, there will be an increased desire for contact and closeness, when he is likely to grab onto his mother and will not let her go.

Even if earlier he could calmly play without her for several hours, now he will follow her with his tail, hang on her, throw tantrums when mom goes somewhere without him. The child will have a lot of anxiety.

Photo source: pexels.com

This bouquet of emotions, which we call a separation complex or a separation complex, will be, and you just need to take it into account in order to slowly build relationships.

In order to show the child day after day: “I’m your mother”, “Everything is okay”, “I am near, I am close, there is someone to take care of you”, “Do not worry, relax, I will not go anywhere, I will always be yours mom, everything will be fine. "

We cannot expect that we will receive the old child with the same reactions, the same as he was before the separation. And this must be taken into account.

For example, we cannot expect that the child will sleep peacefully all night, as it was before, or that he will be as affectionate, smiling. That is, we will need to quite actively and continuously compensate for this stress, this tragedy in the child's life.

At the same time, this cannot be called something difficult, some kind of miracle - no, compensation and adaptation of a child after separation is a completely normal and natural process and is based on scientific data of psychology.

The child may even end up becoming stronger and more psychologically resilient than before the injury. But this is still the parent's task: we cannot expect the child to somehow try to bring himself into a state of balance. The parent's task is to provide him with the necessary conditions.

Photo source: pexels.com

How do I get my balance back? Create the necessary conditions

- What exactly should these conditions be?

- I would recommend what is called nesting... I would try to carry the child in my arms, to be with him in a constant, stable environment, to experience as little changes as possible during this period of adaptation. That is, to “cuckoo” with the child and give him a feeling of contact and closeness with himself more than even he expects, more than he needs. More than writing. Show him that everything is okay, everything is fine.

If necessary, then carry it on your hands, in a sling. If the child is big, and, for example, his back hurts, then lie more next to him. Try not to immediately plan trips to kindergarten and school - to allocate time only for me and the child to work on our connection, our contact. Refuse to go to work right now, from any other plans, trips. More precisely, you can go somewhere, but precisely in order to constantly be near the child.

To give him as much as possible the feeling that he is loved, a sense of reliability, to nourish him with this.

“Mom is there, mom is always with you, don’t worry. This was an exceptional case. Yes, I was not there, but now I am near. Mom will always come. If mom leaves, mom always comes, always comes back, mom will never leave you ”- these are the messages that should come from you.

To summarize, I will say that a lot of factors affect a child's viability and psychological resilience, and it is impossible to make an unambiguous prediction about how the trauma experienced will affect a particular child.

But the general rule is that the younger the child, the longer the separation, the more stress and the more impact it has on his life. But this does not mean that this injury cannot be compensated for, if a mother or another close adult makes an effort, then everything is possible.

How do your children react to sudden separation from their parents?

It is one of the most important prerequisites for the mental development of a person. On its basis, the formation of trust, security, security and love occurs, which the child can experience as he grows older. There is an opinion of experts that the psychological birth of a person does not coincide with his physical birth. Just as during pregnancy the mother's body bears the baby itself, after birth the mother's care “bears” the child's fragile psyche. This period is necessary while the baby's “I” is weak and fragile. Therefore, the experience of "merging" with another person is a very important acquisition, which lays the foundations for a healthy personality. Thus, from birth to 2 years, mother and child are in the so-called "symbiotic" period, where the mother feels the needs of the child, and the child - the state of the mother. But does this mean that parents need to be near their baby all the time and how to painlessly survive the separation?

Age periods

In child developmental psychology, there are certain periods in which separation from a child can play an important role, both negative and positive. However, one must not forget that the ideal set of circumstances is taken as the norm, so judge for yourself:

0 to 6 months prolonged separation from a child is extremely dangerous. At this age, attachment to a beloved object is formed (most often it is a mother), which for this must constantly demonstrate its image. But the image is one thing. Equally important is the emotional state, because the child "absorbs" maternal feelings. A tired and emotionally weak woman is unlikely to be able to speak affectionately with a baby and smile at him, so 2-3 hours of separation a day is quite acceptable for both. Do not forget that at this time the mother needs care as much as the child. By helping her, loved ones thereby take care of the emotional state of her baby.

From 8 months to 1.5 years the child begins to experience separation anxiety. He distinguishes the mother from many other people, hears and recognizes her voice. He cries when she disappears from view. However, if a person he knows (grandmother or nanny) can look after the baby, then you can leave the baby for a while. This is not easy to do. But if the baby is crying, you should know that such manifestations are normal at this age. In other words, your child has formed an attachment, which means that his emotional development is normal.

2 to 3 years old - the most difficult and controversial period. On the one hand, the child begins to separate from his mother, on the other hand, he is afraid to let her go (after all, without a mother he is no longer so “strong”). The kid wants to learn more about the world around him, but how to do it yourself? There is only one way out - to risk parting with my mother, at least for a short while. For a child, this is not an easy choice. And if the mother is also not ready for "separation", showing feelings of increased anxiety for him, then any separation can be very difficult.

In any case, before separating from the mother, the child will "cling to her" more and more often than before. And this is not always associated with separation - the period of separation has just come, when the child felt that he would have to take on part of the responsibility. This is a progressive phenomenon, it has a great potential for development. But going through it can be difficult for both parties, and parting here is an important moment in building the child's trust and confidence that he will cope.

This period does not always end its formation in 3 years. Much more often, it is delayed for many reasons, for example, due to inadequate parental behavior or impaired formation of attachments at previous stages of development. Therefore, children of any age can face separation problems.

How can I help my baby?

To make it easier for your child to get through the separation, prepare him for your departure in advance:

• If you are planning to leave for a few hours or longer, let your child know in advance when, why, and for how long you are leaving.
• Spend the last 10-15 minutes with your child before leaving home
• After the nanny or grandmother comes, do not leave immediately - let the child get used to her presence
• You must definitely return at the appointed time
• Discuss what you will do with your child after you return.
• Create a special ritual for leaving and returning home. For example, come up with a special goodbye phrase.
• At first, be prepared for challenges. It is difficult to hope for the complete disappearance of fear of separation: this is an important phase in the development of the child in the transition to a more mature and less intense attachment to you. again. Be sure to use these games
• You should not tell your baby that being afraid of separation is bad, unacceptable.
• Parents themselves are prone to fear of separation, especially when the situation changes and their baby has to leave the house for a long time (go to a nursery or kindergarten). Don't let your baby feel your own separation anxiety.

• Don't make a big fuss about how you will miss your child: it will only make him even more worried.
• Prepare “outsiders” for a potentially lukewarm welcome from your child
• If the separation lasts for several days or more, make an audio or video recording for your baby.
• Before a long separation, do a "workout" by leaving the child for a short time.
• Children are very fond of games such as hide and seek, as they help to overcome the fear of separation, showing how someone who disappeared appears
• It would be nice to play with the baby through dolls or soft toys the situation of a parent leaving home
• Use the opportunity to leave the child with relatives (at first for a short time, and then gradually increasing the gap)
• Leave the baby something related to you: the baby will consider it as a guarantee that you will definitely come back for it
• Whenever possible, try to leave the baby with the dad: he is a "reliable stronghold" on which the child can rely in his attempts to separate from his mother
• Do not fool the baby by disappearing suddenly: this can scare him even more.
• Even after 5 years, do not leave a child without a mother for more than a month if he is not ready for this.
• When a child is separated from his mother, the role of the family is very important. In families with a strong "matrimonial subsystem" any developmental crises go through much easier. Mom should not spend all of her personal time only with the child, including sleeping with him in the same bed, showing excessive emotions to his whims, limiting communication with family, and also pushing the dad out of joint upbringing. Working together builds a child's sense of self-confidence and security. And separation for a certain time is not only normal, but also useful for the baby, as it allows him to realize the importance and value of loved ones.