How modern children are experiencing parental divorce and how to help them. How to help a child survive a divorce How a child will survive a divorce at 5 years old

- How to reduce the psychological damage caused by a divorce to a child?

Even before the divorce, the child feels that the relationship between the parents is deteriorating, something is happening. From here, children develop, for example, nervous tics, absent-mindedness, and a decrease in academic performance. Teachers are the first to notice this. At the same time, parents may think that they are very successful in hiding their discord from their children.

Therefore, first of all, you need to sincerely explain to the child that everything is not the same between you as before. The child's mental trauma after the divorce will arise, but we can mitigate it by explaining what happened, what we will do next.

Parents must acknowledge the responsibility of both of them for the divorce to the child: “We are to blame. Somewhere we could not help each other. Somewhere they could not understand each other. And now it is already very difficult for us to unite what has been violated, now it will no longer be restored. "

If there is already a divorce, you can tell the children that “The relationship between mom and dad is at an impasse. It will be better for everyone if we live separately for some time. It happened. This is just our relationship, moms and dads. And we still love you, me and dad. We separate, but you remain our child. You have a mom, you have a dad. " If dad goes to someone else, then he must explain why.

At the same time, I believe, and practice shows, in no case should one speak badly about another spouse: "He is bad", "She is bad." Better to say: “It happened. We can no longer live together. It just hurts to be together. But I will always respect your dad (your mom). I will always be grateful to my dad (grateful to my mother) for the fact that we have you. "

It's not always easy. Sons in a situation of divorce often blame their mother: “Dad left - it's your fault. Now, if you were thin (you would be beautiful, you would know how to cook), dad would not leave us. " You can't punish the child at this moment, or start blaming the dad in the opposite direction. Mom should restrain herself and say: “Son! You are very excited right now. When you calm down, we will talk about it. "

It is necessary to ask the child for help in coping with this moment - the situation of divorce. He will know that he has to help mom and dad get through the divorce. And then he realizes his emotions and experiences constructively.

Having survived a divorce, after some time the spouse left with the children (usually the mother) usually thinks about a new marriage. How to build it so that the children are happy?

First, practice shows that if new relationships are built in the first year after divorce, they are usually futile. Because, as a rule, in the first six months after a divorce, a person is acutely experiencing parting: self-esteem falls, an inadequate assessment of others arises. After these six months, a leap in self-esteem occurs, a person has a desire to find a new partner. And quite often during this period a person meets someone whom he takes for a "prince on a white horse" (or a princess). "He is the nicest, everything will be different with him." Three months later, a person begins to recover from the mental trauma caused by divorce, begins to adequately perceive everything. And he sees his new partner in his true light.

Therefore, in the first year after the divorce, new relationships should not be built. This time must be spent, first of all, to put yourself in order as a person, as a person, in order to believe in your own strength and assess the possibilities.

After the divorce, the roles in the family partially change. The son becomes the mother's helper. But the mother should not put him in the place of her husband, say: “This is my man. You are my only man in the house. " He is only a son. He helps mom as much as he can. And if he believes that he is the only man in the house, it will be very difficult for him later to accept a new man in the house, and for his mother to build a new relationship.

When starting a new relationship, it is necessary to tell the child again that he is beloved, priceless, but in the world it is so arranged that there should be a man next to a woman. “You help me wonderfully. But you are my child. You cannot give me what a man, a husband can give. When you grow up, you will also need a wife (husband) with whom you will go through life. "

And naturally, do not impose a person until the child accepts him. Relationships should develop gradually.

In general, it is impossible to give a universal recipe for what exactly to say to a child. It is intuitive every time, according to the situation.

It so happens that the child takes an egoistic position. We were told a story about a mother who devoted her entire youth to her daughter, after her husband left, and now her daughter refuses to accept her future stepfather.

In this situation, most likely, the mother considered the girl unhappy. And I tried to prove to my dad that “I can stand it, I can stand it. And alone, myself, I will bring her up so wonderful. " Perhaps the mother deprived the girl of her personal life, just as she deprived herself of her personal life. My opinion as a mother is that a child should have his own personal life. We have to come to terms with this. And when we give our child the right to privacy, then he in return gives us such a right.

What is a child's personal life? I believe that from adolescence, a child should have something of his own, over which the parents have no power. If you have a trusting relationship with a child, then you will know about it. If not, you won't. Parents need to feel: if you invade some area, and the child puts a barrier to you, then this is the area of ​​his personal and intimate, - treat with respect, stop in time.

In any case, the child will have a personal life. He will be 16 years old, he will go to work or study further, his parents will no longer have the opportunity to control literally everything. And then the parents, who did not leave the child his personal life, often get lost and understand how lonely they are. The child begins to build his own life, making mistakes and rash acts; because we did not teach and advise on time, we controlled and indicated.

If the mother who is left with the child fails to remarry again, should she try to somehow compensate the child for the lack of male upbringing? Should a woman after a divorce pick up a belt or do something else?

No. Nothing good will come of it.

Physical punishment does not mean the presence of male upbringing. Mom can also punish even in complete families. Or how is it? The child's misconduct is discovered by the mother, who more often controls the lessons and behavior. She complains to her dad when he comes home from work and dad takes the belt.

In England, in expensive private schools, boys under 15 are still flogged with rods. They beat them, explaining why. They call this "neurolinguistic coding". The child simply remembers that this unpleasant consequence is connected with this bad deed.

I think that the mother whips the child more out of her own impotence, and not to compensate for the absence of a man.

Because in fact, I believe that for a child under the age of 10-11, a mother can make up for the absence of a man. If this is an active lady who will play sports with the child, go hiking with him, go somewhere, and then it is already unrealistic.

- But the main thing is not active rest and work, but a masculine example, a masculine character ...

-… Male example, male outlook on life, attitude towards women. For a girl, starting from the age of three, for her gender-role self-determination, the opinion of the male sex is very important. How does she look, for example. Unlike boys, the girl will look for it on the side. She will ask a neighbor, stick to the guard in the kindergarten. She needs it. Later, in adolescence, her dad serves as the prototype of a man. A girl on her dad is mastering the social knowledge that she receives at school. For her, the opinion of her father is much more important than the opinion of her mother. The boy will suffer in silence, create the desired image of a man in his dreams and use it as a standard of behavior.

Therefore, it is desirable that a woman who knows how to raise a child without a husband has male friends (better married) or relatives. So that the uncle and grandfather spend at least once a week with the child and can partially make up for what their dad does not give them. Or if the father himself will meet with the child on Saturdays and go somewhere to rest with him - this is even better. And my mother will not be able to make up for this.

Often the main man for a child is the school teacher. This, of course, has its pluses and minuses. I know of such an example, when a computer science teacher, in a purely human way, took on the role of an older friend, helped his mother in raising a boy. Dad in that situation after the divorce completely removed himself from communication with his son.

And again, the child will grow up after the divorce and will determine his own attitude to the father's actions. But in no case should my mother say about my father: "Here, he is such a brute, he abandoned us." At the age of 14, a child can already comprehend the situation and understand everything correctly. And he will respect his mother much more, who has found the courage not to tell him anything bad about his father.

Psychologist Larisa Trutaeva

When creating a family, few people think that one day the relationship may end, they will have to disperse. But if we turn to dry statistics, the number of divorces is growing steadily. Unfortunately, more and more often people realize that they can no longer live together after the birth of a child. In such a situation, the question arises of how to go through a difficult divorce process and not harm the child, not make him a victim of divorce? Let's talk frankly on this topic and try to figure out how to get through the breakup without harming the child.

Divorce in a family with a child

The rupture of relations between husband and wife is a misfortune that brings pain and experience to all family members. Children and adolescents are especially vulnerable in this situation. They do not take part in resolving this issue, they cannot influence the relationship between the parents, or change something. It is difficult for them to understand why the familiar world is crumbling, circumstances change. Thoughts and feelings that fill boys and girls at this moment can cause undesirable phenomena: isolation, aggressiveness, neuroses. You don't need to think that the child will be able to go through this stage on their own and cope with their emotions. To a greater or lesser extent, what happened will affect your child, you should try to minimize the consequences.

When and how to inform the child about the parents' divorce

The breakup usually does not happen overnight. Divorce is preceded by at least several months of deterioration in relations, the maturation of a decision to part ways. It is ideal that your quarrels and conflicts with your spouse remain behind a “closed door”, the baby does not participate in them and is not a witness. Crises in the family happen to everyone, so before the final decision to end the relationship, try to protect your daughter or son from details.

After you have made the decision that you no longer want to live together, you need to dissolve the marriage, you should inform the child of this news as soon as possible. To do this, you need to agree with your spouse that at the appointed time you two will sit next to your child and honestly admit to him that changes are coming in his life.

It is not recommended to postpone this conversation for a long time. After adults decide not to live together and file for divorce, uncertainty rushes into the child's life. The lack of a sensible explanation on the part of adults for the reasons for what is happening can prompt a son or daughter to start looking for an answer in himself. Children feel and notice everything, even if they don't visually show it. There is no need to force your child to feel guilty about lack of information. It is difficult for preschoolers and adolescents to understand all the intricacies of parental relationships, for them you are both standards, beloved mom and dad. Children often tend to look for reasons in their behavior, studies, words, than they try to analyze the behavior of others.

Don't put off talking with your child about divorce for a long time!

What to tell the child during the first conversation about the parents' divorce

The first conversation about ending the relationship between the parents should be done together. You need to try:

• refrain from quarrels;
• be calm, friendly;
• do not blame each other for what happened;
• honestly answer the child's questions about his future;
• do not dodge questions about the reasons for the divorce, but do not go into details;
• dont lie;
• not make promises that can hardly be kept.

Be sure to tell your child that:

• you both continue to love him and will always be with him;
• he is not to blame for the current situation;
• if desired, he will be able to see both parents;
• he cannot change anything, offer him to plan a new life.

During the conversation, be sure to tell your child about the reason for the divorce in a gentle way. If you decide to break up due to difficulties in relationships, the presence of another woman or man, you can tell your child that it is very difficult for mom and dad to live together. In order for them to be happy, they need to live separately, but this does not affect their love for him in any way.

If the family breaks up due to the appearance of another woman or man, there is no need to tell the child about this, especially if there are other children in the other family. This can provoke an unwanted reaction. A son or daughter may think that one parent has preferred the other child. This can cause a severe personality crisis. It is better to postpone the acquaintance with a new passion or gentleman for some time, at least for 6 months. Your son or daughter should get used to the idea that mom and dad do not live together, to accept new circumstances.

The conversation should be long, end when the baby wants it. Before ending the conversation, be sure to hug and kiss both of your child, tell him that you love him.

What the child is worried about

After the child learns that mom and dad will no longer live together, a difficult work begins in his soul to accept this information. The behavior of a son or daughter can change a lot. At first, you need to try not to put pressure on the child, fill his day with various events that will show him that life goes on, distract him from long thoughts.

Children react differently to parental divorce. Psychologists say that it is impossible to predict the child's reaction, everything is individual. Children who clearly understand the reasons for the events that are taking place and are confident in the love of both parents can more easily endure the psychological crisis from the divorce of their parents.

If the explanation is not enough, then the baby may:

• to feel guilty for what happened, to think that if he behaved better, studied well and obeyed everything, then this would not have happened;
• feel fear of losing the love of both or one parent;
• be afraid that he will never see mom or dad again;
• Feel betrayal by adults who cannot mend relationships that make him feel pain;
• be angry with yourself, your parents, others around you because of your helplessness;
• blame one of the adults for what happened.

Any of these options can lead to changes in the psyche, contribute to the development of neuroses. It is very difficult to understand what the child is thinking, but some changes in behavior may suggest that you need to pay more attention to communication with your daughter or son, perhaps contact a psychologist.

According to psychologists, special attention from parents requires:

• The appearance of unreasonable crying at night, daytime tantrums for no reason;
• increased anxiety, the emergence of new fears;
• the appearance of bad habits (the baby began to bite his nails, shake his leg, etc.);
• complete calmness in a usually mobile, talkative child;
• for schoolchildren - improved behavior and learning, or vice versa;
• open accusation of one of the parents of what happened, refusal to communicate;
• an attempt to constantly bring parents together, to increase the amount of their communication;
• the appearance of somatic problems. A previously healthy child begins to complain of pain in different parts of the body.

The appearance of these signs says that the baby cannot accept what has happened, is trying with all his might to influence the upcoming changes.

How to help your child cope with divorce

Children and adolescents are very conservative when it comes to family matters. It is quite difficult for them to survive the divorce of their parents. Many psychologists agree that if adults can find the strength to create conditions for minimizing the influence of what is happening in the family on the child, then many difficulties can be avoided. Psychologists recommend:

• Adhere to the maximum regimen established by the child. Do not change the time of eating, sleeping, try not to make changes in your usual activities;
• Increase communication time, hug more often, regret;
• Protect from the negativity that may accompany the divorce proceedings;
• Be honest, don't promise the impossible;
• Do not blame the other parent for what happened;
• Talk about the feelings, thoughts of the child, try to dispel all his fears;
• Do not limit communication with peers, do not prohibit discussing what is happening;
• Offer to spend time together more often, attend various interesting events, go to visit;
• Do not put before a choice, do not manipulate love;
• Talk about your love for the child, remind that the other parent also loves him;
• Do not talk bad about your spouse, do not give a negative assessment. It is advisable to remind of good qualities;
• Offer . This very well helps closed children to open the inner world, their emotions. Invite your child to draw, sculpt, create appliques and crafts. Try singing, dancing, and yoga together.

The main thing that an adult can do to help a child survive the parents' divorce is to give a chance to throw out accumulated emotions, support in a difficult situation, and dispel fears and doubts. The child should understand that his world has changed, but it did not become worse from this.

After the divorce, increase the time of communication and the number of joint activities with the child. This will help him cope!

Communication with a child after a divorce

After the parents disperse, they need to decide on the issue of communication with the child. In most cases, a son or daughter stays with mom and dad must choose a time that will be convenient for him to communicate with the child.

At first, it is recommended to meet as often as possible, not limited to Sunday afternoon. Even if you feel a strong sense of guilt, you shouldn't bombard with gifts and new things. It is good to go for a walk to the park together, to attend entertainment events, during which to talk in confidence. At the same time, it is not recommended for mom to ask the child about what he was doing or what his dad was talking about. Try to be positive right away. You both love your child and wish him well. Try to maintain a respectful relationship with each other, because you are connected more than a common past, you have a child.

It is recommended to introduce a new life partner into the child's life no earlier than six months after the dissolution of the marriage. Ideally, if you can do it in a year. A new companion or companion should not be introduced as a new mom or dad. At first, you do not need to involve them in an active upbringing process. Be prepared for your child to be hostile to your new love. This is fine. Give your son or daughter time to evaluate your choice.

Whether to live together for the sake of a child

Talking about the issue of divorce and further actions in relation to a joint child, one cannot omit the question that adults often ask themselves when faced with problems in a relationship. Is it possible to live together for the sake of a child? The answer to this question lies on the surface and depends on the cause of the disorder.

If you decide to divorce, realizing that you will not be able to live happily together, then take this step. The life of a child in a family where there is no love or respect is worse than living with one of the parents after a divorce, if the adults were able to agree, establish communication.

If there is even a small chance to start all over again, to save the family - you need to try to use it, but not forcing yourself. Parental happiness is an important component of a child's mental peace. If it doesn't work out together, then try to become happy apart, not forgetting about your child, filling his life with interesting events, with your attention.

Parents' mistakes, how to prevent them

Going through the stages of divorce, many parents, under the influence of their emotions, make mistakes that greatly affect the psychological state of the child, his worldview, and calmness. Rash actions exacerbate the difficulties of accepting what happened, inflict deep wounds in a tender soul. Let's take a look at the most common mistakes adults make during divorce in order to avoid them with their children.

1. Child manipulation. Often, finding no other arguments in a dispute with a spouse, mom or dad begins to use the child for blackmail. The child is not allowed to see the second adult, they tell him nasty things about mom or dad, get involved in quarrels, demanding to support one of the parties. None of these methods will help solve the situation, and for a child it can cause a complex neurosis. If life has turned out in such a way that you and your spouse are getting a divorce, then try to sort things out without involving the child. He loves both of you, he wants to communicate with each of the parents. Both mom and dad are a standard for children, an attempt to set the baby against dad or mom violates the picture that has developed in the child's mind, leading to an imbalance;
2. Comparison. On emotions, moms or dads sometimes begin to use negative comparisons of the child with the second parent (“All in the father”, “The same” ...). Even if you think so, you don't need to talk about it out loud. The child loves both parents equally, and the use of derogatory forms of communication not only does not help the son or daughter understand his mistake, but also deeply hurts;
3. Child advocate. Sometimes, not finding a common denominator in controversial issues, adults ask the child to decide which of them is right. At such moments, many details begin to pour into the child's mind that he cannot understand and accept. By placing a child in the position of choosing between equally beloved parents, you not only do not solve the problem, but also create conditions for the formation of a sense of guilt in your son or daughter. The situation itself implies that the child can influence something, but having made a step towards one of the parents, the child will experience torment, he is not capable of an adequate assessment;
4. Lack of attention to problems. Divorce is stressful, not all adults can cope with their emotions, quickly return to normal life. Having become obsessed with their own internal problems, parents cannot always notice the changes taking place with the child in time, and pay enough attention. It seems to them that if the baby is not hysterical, does not swear, does not ask for communication, then everything is in order, but in fact, the less noticeable the child's reaction to what is happening, the more serious the problems inside. No matter how painful, insulting, difficult it may be for you, try to give your son and daughter more attention, try to go through the difficult stage faster, easier.

Family psychologist recommendations for the "correct" parting

1. It is important to remember: it is not mom and dad who get divorced, but a man and a woman, so it is necessary to discuss the problems that have arisen without unnecessary emotions and even more swearing in front of children.
2. Since the decision to divorce is not sudden, it is rather a consequence of alienation in relations between people for a long time, therefore we prepare the child for this thought for 2-3 months.
3. Children over 3-4 years old tend to blame themselves for everything, they think: “It’s my fault that mom and dad don’t want to live together because they indulged (didn’t want to eat, fought),” etc. Even after a lot years, children continue to blame themselves for the divorce of their parents, so it is extremely important to tell the baby that it is not his fault.
4. Children from 7 to 10 years old perceive the separation of their parents a little differently. There is no need to say the common phrase “My dad (mom) and I have stopped loving each other”, children perceive love literally as kisses and hugs, they will try to push you towards each other, so it’s better to say: “We decided to live separately, but you have everything there is a mom and a dad ”.
5. Do not conduct long instructive monologues with children, build a dialogue better, questions may be unexpected, be extremely honest with your children.
6. Don't turn dad into a 24-hour Santa Claus: a relationship built on bribery with your own child will eventually turn him into an egoist. It is better to give the impressions obtained from joint walks and travels.
7. Pay attention to the general emotional background, if the child often closes in on himself, begins to love loneliness, cries for no reason, becomes aggressive or anxious - it's time to see a specialist. It is especially effective.
8. Dear adults, you have many ways to escape from a difficult situation: these are gatherings with friends, favorite hobbies, hobbies and much more, but it is more difficult for your children to switch in a divorce situation, so be as attentive to them as possible during this period!
9. Children easily read our mood and feelings, so helping yourself to get through the situation with the help of new acquaintances, travel, sports, books and music, you also help your children, you are an example for them.
10. If none of the above means in a particular case works, contact a specialist - psychotherapist, he will help you to survive the acute period with dignity.

Behavior problems after divorce

So, emotions have subsided, the decision to divorce has been made, the court proceedings are over, adults are learning to live in a new way. And what about the children? Often times, divorced parents set certain rules in a new life. Dad takes the child on weekends or takes him on vacation, but upon his return, the mother notes that the child's behavior is out of hand, he becomes uncontrollable, capricious, stubborn. This is due to the fact that the regime of the day and the lifestyle of the parents now do not coincide.

Dad allows you to lie down later, eat whatever the child wants, watch cartoons for an unlimited amount of time. And upon returning home, my mother again introduces strict frameworks and restrictions. It is very important for parents who are divorced to agree on a common style of raising children, to be consistent in upbringing. Wise parents will be able to agree even in a difficult situation. Dad can say: "We rarely see you, so I want to pamper you, but when you return home you fulfill your mother's requirements." It is very important for a mother to maintain the usual rhythm of life for the baby: work, kindergarten, household chores, and not delegate the child to grandmothers or nanny. Dear parents, strength and wisdom!

Every adult faced with a divorce situation must understand a simple truth: life goes on. Today it hurts and bad, but tomorrow it will be easier. You have a child who needs a strong mom or dad, he needs your attention and love. Be strong and instead of digging into the past, try to look to the future. Plan a vacation, go in for sports or creativity with your child, distract yourself and distract your child from thinking about what happened. Be happy.

Love, eternal in illness and health, in sorrow and joy, found in fairy tales, romantic films and women's novels, is not so rosy in real life. The attitude towards each other outside of marriage and in marriage is perceived by people differently: straightforward, they see marriage in a different way than romantic, psychologically vulnerable women.

There are many reasons for divorce, and they are not the subject of this article. Let's take divorce for granted and the impossibility of two people living with each other: in this world it has become an everyday occurrence and not as tragic as in former times. Society is changing, the place of a person in it is changing, the attitude of a person to the institution of marriage is changing - people converge, diverge and often do not see any problems in this. The latest hit was the happy selfie of the newly divorced: happy couples who have been freed do not look lost and suffering at all.

But this is not the case for everyone and not always - in terms of strength, divorce is on the list of human grief in second place after the death of a loved one. And if there is a child (children) in the family, then the divorce of the parents leaves wounds in both adults and children's hearts. The tender and vulnerable soul of the child does not understand how it happened that the equally beloved loved ones of a person will not be around all the time. How can you make it easier for a little person to correctly understand a difficult parental decision and smooth out family drama?

Divorce of parents through the eyes of a child

Often, a husband or wife is faced with a terrible and inherently tragic choice. Stay with an unloved person and create the illusion of a happy married couple in the eyes of those around you and your own children, or find considerable strength in yourself to put everything in its place, and give everyone the opportunity to continue life in a new way? The situation is sometimes complicated by the fact that one or both spouses have permanent, but forced to stay with each other "for the sake of the child" people simply lie to him.

Children are like a litmus test, reacting immediately to an unhealthy atmosphere that cannot be hidden. They are so sensitive that in such artificially supported families, childhood neuroses arise: hyperactivity, inattention, aggression or withdrawal. Needless to say - it would be more honest in relation to everyone to discuss the prospects and the need to continue the marriage relationship and, if further life together is impossible, to disperse. A correct explanation of the situation to a child will preserve his psychological health and trust in both parents, who did not hypocritically hide such a bitter truth.

The degree of experience that the separation of the parents will cause depends on the character and temperament of the child. Even if outwardly the child does not show his grief and sadness, it does not mean that he accepted the divorce painlessly, and at this time children's emotions and feelings are exacerbated:

fear of never seeing one of the parents;
fear of being no longer in love with parents, caused by the understanding that they have lost love for each other;
the child's aggression, directed at both or alternately, associated with an internal feeling of parental "betrayal";
the feeling of guilt that is characteristic of withdrawn, shy and vulnerable children: "Parents quarrel because I am doing something wrong."

If the spouses are smart and strive for a civilized separation, divorce will be a test for all family members, but not a hopeless tragedy. Caring parents will not be puzzled by a stormy showdown with each other, but by explaining to the child a frequently occurring life situation that does not turn the baby's world into ruins, but only changes it.

How can I help my child?

In the heat of family squabbles and grievances, adults sometimes completely forget about children, believing that their own passions are more important, and the child will still not understand anything. Yes, the real reasons for the divorce of parents are really not always clear to the child, but he feels hostility and lies intuitively. And if relatives who dislike each other are actively involved in the process of family disintegration, then the likelihood of an amicable divorce worthy of civilized people threatens to escalate into a battlefield with the epicenter in the heart of the child and serious psychological losses on each side.

Is it possible to protect a child and make the behavior of adults during divorce as safe as possible for a sensitive child's psyche? Indeed, there is a simple algorithm for adults to communicate with each other and with a child in this difficult period for everyone.

Explanation of reasons

We must start with this. You should not try to lucidly explain to a three-year-old baby, to whom the father is leaving, or the partner's addiction to alcohol. But for an older child, you can try to explain the true reasons, delicately bypassing the "adult" details and not giving way to your own negative assessment of the situation that has arisen.

The first conversation will be very difficult, and psychologists offer the only way to build it: when informing the child about the divorce, both parents must be present. Only this will allow the situation to be presented objectively, and, if necessary, the child will be able to ask questions to each of the adults. In a conversation, one should not break down to mutual accusations and even more insults, dodge children's questions and make vain, deliberately impossible promises.

If the situation allows, the reasons given to the child should be as truthful as possible, but without the details traumatizing the child's psyche. It will be worse if the child at the moment receives "smoothed" excuses for divorce, but hears the unsightly truth from other people - this will drop the parents in the eyes of the child and undermine the child's trust in the people closest to him.

The correct ending of a sad message for a child about a divorce will be the phrase: "We both love you and we will not stop loving, no matter what happens."

The child must have both parents

This is an unconditional axiom. No matter how disgusting the ex-spouse or spouse may seem now, once the couple had romance, a wedding and a touching expectation of a baby. Does everything annoy and infuriate you in your partner? The child does not see dad or mom in such a light, he has his own perception of each person - and believe me, far from your mutual adult claims to each other.

It is worth expressing them directly to the person with whom they are associated. At the same time, pulling a child and telling the "true truth" about the father or mother who is to blame for all the troubles is low and deadly for the fragile world of a child. Splitting the established world with a sharp wedge and turning it inside out, you cannot achieve something positive and righteous: by “lowering” your spouse in the eyes of your own child, you yourself are losing your position in his heart - the rabble of another, you cannot remain dazzlingly pure. The child will lose faith in true relationships and is unlikely to build a strong family later.

If a husband and wife after a divorce remain to live in the same city, no matter how difficult it is for adults, the child should be provided with communication with the second spouse. Festive events at school or kindergarten, weekends, birthdays and just meetings for no reason - this is what will not replace a full-fledged family for a child, but will compensate for the lack of communication.

If the parents have left, you can also come up with something: regular communication on Skype, exchange of photos and video postcards, joint trips during the holidays, etc. - the child must know and understand that he has two parents, and only because of their adult reasons, they do not live together.

The child is not involved in divorce

The meaning of this paragraph is that a grudge against a spouse cannot be transferred to a child. Divorce is an adult matter that affects a child and, depending on his age, gets to a child's soul in different ways. If a young child often does not even consider it necessary to explain the situation, simply confronting the fact that dad (this is more often the case) will no longer live with them, then adolescents are already getting actively.

Aggressive transmission of his own grievances, bile and acrimony to an older child undermines all his foundations. More often women still sin with this: a biased comparison of a child with an ex-spouse, both externally and emotionally negatively, is a terrible scenario. The words “you are exactly the same as him”, spoken in the heat, can cause misunderstanding and a feeling of guilt for the fact that he is so similar to his father who did not please his mother.

Negative Relatives Should Be Reasoned

Divorce sometimes affects not only family members directly - parents and child / children. Overly active grandparents, who often dislike the chosen one or the chosen one of their own daughter or son, get such a wonderful reason to pour out the accumulated displeasure. Sometimes the older generation shows itself not at all a wise peacemaker in the process of family disintegration, but also adds fuel to the fire, standing up to defend the interests of one of the parties.

From the point of view of such a strategy, the more people there are in its ranks, the more painful it is to hit the enemy, win the fight and live the rest of your life with your head held high. And here the innocent child turns out to be a significant numerical unit, to whom too zealous relatives whisper in one ear, then in the other all sorts of nasty things about this or that parent. Learning the "truth" from grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. the child suffers doubly: he cannot but trust such close people, and therefore his psyche is literally subjected to shock therapy.

Who will the child stay with?

On Russian territory, such a question is often not raised, and the court usually leaves the child with the mother during the divorce proceedings. There is a reason for this if a mother fulfills her responsibilities for raising a child in full, but there are also opposite situations when parenting by a father is objectively preferable: in the case of a woman's alcohol or drug addiction, her lack of a livelihood, a permanent job, etc. ...

In other countries, parents try to agree among themselves in a civilized way, and the parent who can provide it in the best way takes care of the child. If there is a need for such a decision, then a small child should not be faced with a terrible choice: he is not able to objectively assess the situation and give preference to one parent. Parents should solve this issue on their own, starting from their own material capabilities, free time and other factors.

It will be correct to divide the time spent with the child for two: one of the parents can be assigned the obligation to take / pick up the child from the music school or from the sports section, and the other - to do homework. The best option would be to attend parent school meetings and events together: this will allow the second parent to stay on top of the life of a son or daughter.

Gifts and time

A common mistake that parents make during a divorce: trying to somehow level the situation and feeling guilty in front of the child, they literally overwhelm the child with gifts and signs of attention. In this difficult period, the best means will not be material wealth, but heart-to-heart talk, patience and wisdom. And time in the future will put the terms in their places - the baby will not immediately get used to the fact that one of the parents is not constantly around.

There is no universal medicine for a child during a parental divorce, but two adults must act in the best interests of the child and communicate with each other correctly, without turning a child dear to every heart into a victim of divorce.