The desire of parents to protect their child from problems and failures very often gives the opposite effect: being limited in the right to choose and express his opinion, the child closes off from us, receiving only control and criticism from us, and not support at all. More often than not, the reason our children choose not to share their experiences with us is ourselves. What mistakes in upbringing do most parents make and how to behave so that the child begins to trust us?
5 mistakes parents make when communicating with their children
- We treat children like a boss to a subordinate: we speak in an orderly tone, demand unquestioning obedience. With such a hierarchy, the distance between parent and child increases significantly, and it is difficult for him to open up and trust us.
- We forbid too much: “Don't eat so many sweets”, “don't watch TV”, “don't shout, don't play around” - the more “not” a child hears, the more insecure he feels in relations with us. He is afraid to open up, fearing another "not".
- We don't always hear our children: Some children need to work hard to get up the courage to tell their parents about a fight with classmates or a problem with a teacher. It often happens that a child has gathered courage and tells us about his anxiety, and we are so busy that either we do not pay due attention to his story, or we do not consider it necessary to seriously approach the issue and confine ourselves to 2-3 banal remarks. Once not finding a response with us, the next time the child will not soon dare to try again.
- We praise the children: Of course, praise is very important in education, but a clear balance is needed in everything. Sometimes we admire our child so much that then we do not understand at all when he became so uncontrollable and stopped listening to our opinion.
- We don't keep our word: it so happens that we promised our child a trip to the cinema or a cafe, but forgot or canceled the event under the pretext of being busy. If we ourselves allow ourselves to do this, we should not be surprised that the child will behave in the same way towards us.
How to get closer to your child?
Do not infringe on his freedom of choice.
If the child's friends constantly instructed him and told him what to do, such a friendship would hardly last long. Give your child the opportunity to feel equal with you, give him a chance to express his opinion, to make his own choice. Yes, at first this opinion may be wrong, and the choice may be wrong, but only from his mistakes will the child learn to make decisions, and not at all from our experience, which we are trying to transmit to him through requirements and instructions. How earlier child learns to have and defend his point of view, the more socially adapted he will be in adulthood.
Take his childhood problems seriously.
When we have problems at work or one of our relatives is sick, it can be difficult to take seriously a child’s story about a ruler broken by a classmate. In fact, this is just as important: the question is probably really worried about the child, since he shares his feelings with you. If you listen to him carefully, analyze what happened together and find a way out, the child will remember this episode with gratitude and will not be afraid to tell you about his problems in the future.
Spend time together
What do children do with their friends? As a rule, they play. Try the same method for building a relationship with your child - play together. Psychologists note that games not only form team interaction skills, bring families together and diversify leisure, but also provide the foundations of life experience, which they can then apply in everyday life. Children learn to act together and rely on each other, generate new ideas and develop creative thinking, relax, and also gather in tension, concentrate, experience victories and defeats.
Share your memories
In order for a child to become closer to you, he, first of all, should not feel unconditional superiority on your part. Suppressing children with our authority, we prevent them from opening up, and they do not perceive us as friends. If your child got into a fight at school, do not rush to read the instructions that fighting is bad: remember, haven't you ever been in such a situation yourself? Tell your child about it, remember what emotions you experienced, honestly admit in which episode you were wrong. Then he will feel freer and will be able to more sincerely tell all the details of the incident.
Joint affairs
When a child constantly feels the line between the world of adults and children, it is more difficult for him to open up to his parents. For example, he is used to the fact that adults make plans without him, do not consult with him when choosing furniture for his room, do not invite him to participate in making a shopping list. Subconsciously, it seems to him that this line should not be crossed, so he does not seek to be frank with you. Invite him to participate in common affairs: create a drawing or craft together, ask where he would like to go on vacation, ask him to think of what to give grandmother for her birthday. Let him help you prepare dinner, and when the guests come, be sure to announce that he took part in the preparation of the table. This way you can close the distance between you and your child, and over time he will trust you more.
Be a reliable support
People often think about their actions and actions. Why do they choose a particular decision, and what motivates them? All actions are the consequences of parental education, which they lay in their children from year to year.
Children are an extension of their parents.
Children always reflect the behavior of their parents, because they have one example in life from early childhood. The child reflects everything, and what he can like and what can cause anger. Previously, children were brought up differently, because the father was always the breadwinner and head of the family, and the mother is the educator and keeper. family hearth... V modern world all people work on an equal footing, and gender equality in the family is already becoming topical.
Parents, doing the same thing, start to quarrel, and this is reflected in the children. In such cases, children cannot choose the side of their father or mother and form their opinion towards the world around them. As a result, discord occurs not only between husband and wife, but also with their children. Communication is not enough for children now, because they are left to themselves, and parents are constantly at work.
Replacing communication with parents are phones, tablets, computers, where you can go to social networks and with someone to communicate. If a child devotes too much time to such things, then he needs the help of parents and a psychologist. Parents always think that they themselves know how to raise their child. No one can force them to go to a psychologist when it is sometimes necessary.
Why it becomes difficult for parents to communicate with a child:
1. When a child is interested in something, wants to ask for advice, the parents begin to talk in an orderly tone, make them shut up and go to their room. At the same time, they show that they do not want to delve into the child's problems, because this is childish trivia for them. But the child was not yet an adult, and his problem is very important for him, so it is a pity that the parents do not pay attention to the little things.
Article How to behave as a parent with a teenage boy
2. You can very often hear the phrase when parents say, if the child does not shut up, they will leave. A child with such a phrase comes to a dead end, he feels helpless.
3. When the parents begin to reproach the child that he has not fully completed the assigned work. Nobody pays attention to how the child tried, and because of a small mistake they are disappointed in him.
4. If the parents tell the child that they are disappointed and drive him away, then he withdraws into himself and can no longer open up to mom and dad.
How to make friends with your child?
There have always been problems between parents and children, no matter what age is in the yard, there comes a time when understanding in the family leaves. It is not the children who are to blame for this, but the parents themselves, you must initially look for the reason in adults.
First you need to figure out what kind of relationship the parents had with their ancestors, what were the problems, how they acted in different situations. The main thing is to understand how their parents raised them. Did everything triple in relation to your parents? Were they an authority?
If the parents do not want to support their child, then the child will not support their children either. The child sometimes really needs support and comfort if a serious problem occurs.
In order for the child to feel the friendly attitude of the parents, then you need to be interested in the affairs of the child, ask how things are going at school, with whom he communicates. It is necessary to let the child understand that parents are not indifferent to the child's life and deeds, and one should not call him small, but evaluate him by age. Children love to seem mature and independent.
If a child comes to his parents for advice, then it must be given, because he wants to be heard. It is worth saying a couple of times that his problems are nonsense, he will never come to his parents again, but will seek help from strangers... A child should be significant in the family, not a king, but on an equal footing with everyone. He should have his own responsibilities and rewards. When parents are doing something, then you can involve your child in this activity, he will be very interested.
This article is about how to earn the trust of children in adults. How to learn to understand your child?
Often in the life of every parent there comes a moment when the child begins to withdraw from him. To stay for your child best friend, it is very important to support him in time and keep the precious "thread of trust".
How to become a child's best friend?
So what should be done so that the trusting relationship in the family remains as strong. Here are the top tips:
1) Ability to hear.
It is very important to listen carefully to everything that the child says, be it nonsense about a toy, school conflicts, problems with friends, or even some insignificant trifles. It is important for parents to delve into even the most insignificant at first glance problems.
2) Joint creativity.
Games and activities together with the child establish contact and bring them closer.
3) Overcoming children's fears.
If he is small and afraid of the dark, play with him. For example, in case of fear of the dark, you can read a calm and life-affirming fairy tale to your child at night, and put a teddy bear by the bed - a reliable guardian of children's dreams.
4) Respect.
The child will become more independent and responsible if you treat him as an adult, as an equal.
5) Ability to listen.
Adults should be more likely to ask for the opinion of children, even if they still settle for their decision. Indeed, sometimes a child can give correct and original advice, which even a parent would not think of.
6) Traditions and holidays.
When a family has its own special daily rituals, such as evening tea and the exchange of impressions accumulated during the day, this brings all its members very close. And joint and thorough preparation for the holiday unites parents and children very much and, in addition, cheers everyone up. Family traditions and holidays are passed down from generation to generation.
7) Understanding.
It is always important for an adult to put himself in the child's shoes and remember what he himself was like in childhood, what he thought and felt.
8) Sincere love.
And, most importantly, it is important to accept and love the child as he is. Do not be ashamed of your feelings and constantly remind you of them.
To find time
After all, any child's problem, which at first glance seems insignificant, can be very important for him. And if the parent always supports and listens, then trust in him will constantly increase, and the child will ask for advice in more significant matters.
Parents for their children should be friends first. Then the child will always trust you, even when he grows up.
Adolescence is a difficult time for both the child and his parents. Hormonal surge and, as a result, mood swings, gloom, tearfulness, secrecy, learning problems, youthful acne. ... ... ... Not an adult yet, but not a child anymore. And a mother who does not sleep at night, worried about her son or daughter. ... ... How can these difficulties be overcome? How to maintain good relations between the child and the parents?
No need to try to talk to your child heart to heart when he does not want to. When he has a mood or need, he will tell everything himself. It may sound rude, but parents can be advised not to be boring and not read the notation. The question of how to become a friend of a teenager worries all parents with transitional children. The answer is simple: patience, patience and more patience. You can, for example, agree with the child that the parents do not scold him for "deuces", and he, in turn, honestly reports on them.
It is necessary to know all the friends of a son or daughter. The influence of the company at this age is quite strong. If friends are not averse to drinking "beer" or indulging in cigarettes, you need to make every effort to end unnecessary and dangerous friendships. It will be good if parents know not only their children, but also their families. You can set a time to return home, talk about rules of conduct with strangers, and arrange for the child to report their movements. It is not enough to say that alcohol and drugs are harmful. We need to find a way to show it.
Trust and openness. A teenager should know that there is a mom and dad, whom you can always turn to for help and advice. Do not scold your child for poor grades at school or other offenses. Let the parents remember themselves at this age. They probably had similar problems. And if a mother shares her memories with her daughter, then the relationship will only become closer. And the daughter will understand that the mother was the same and experienced the same feelings. At the same time, there is no need to let everything go by itself, there should be control over the teenager.
The question of how to love your teenager, sometimes just unbearable and unbearable, is simple and difficult at the same time. You need to listen to the child's opinion. Children always feel when they are respected and reckoned with. Criticism in a relationship with a teenager is not appropriate. If he feels that he is being treated like an adult, his attitude towards his parents will become more open.
There is no need to be afraid of the transition period of a son or daughter. It takes 2-3 years. At this time, there should be understanding, support, trust and patience on the part of the parents. Of course, this cannot be achieved in a short time. It will take time. But a teenager understands everything, over time he will notice the attitude towards himself, grow up and take a step forward.
Raising children is not an easy task, and most parents want to raise their children to be respectable members of society. For this, it is important to be able to explain to them the norms of morality and behavior, teach them to resist difficulties and lead a happy, meaningful life. All this can be achieved only by developing warm friendly relations... But being a true friend to your child is not so easy, and our article will show you how to achieve this in practice.
How to become a friend to a son or daughter
Both dad and mom can be friends with their children. At the same time, a father can be the best friend for his daughter, and a mother for her son. It is important for a child at any age to have a trusting relationship with one of the adults, and it is better if these are the parents, or at least one of them. The following guidelines will help you develop a friendship with your child.
Step 1 - building trust
Without trust, any undertaking is doomed to failure. No matter what you say, no matter how you try to eloquently convey information to the child, if he does not trust you, your efforts are in vain. Therefore, the first step is to gain the child's trust. This can be done in two ways. First, never cheat on your son or daughter. If you always tell the truth, even when it denounces you yourself, you will show your child that you can be trusted. In response, he will also want to open up to you, and so you will begin to build a strong chain of mutual trust. The second way - do not doubt the child's motives, his sincerity, desire to help - he will certainly want to justify your trust.
Step 2 - providing assistance
You can always rely on your friend, and he is ready to help you at any moment. The same principle should apply in your relationship with children. The child should know that you will always provide him with support, intercede, come to the rescue in difficult times. If parents do not even have time to listen to their child, to delve into his problems, then the child will soon lose any desire to contact them, and he will find help and understanding somewhere else.
Step 3 - showing love
Your relationship with your child should be based on love, not fear. Parental authority is, of course, good, and every child should respect it, but love should complement it. Surely many parents will be surprised and say that this goes without saying, and that love is always present in the relationship between children and parents. However, it should be balanced love, and not blind, when the principle of permissiveness is encouraged, which only harms children. The other extreme is fear when a child does something out of fear of parental anger. What then should be the approach? For the development of friendship, it is important that children obey their parents, because they are afraid of upsetting them, causing them trouble, and disappointing them. Even so, it is important to convince the child that you will love him, despite his mistakes and mistakes.
Step 4 - be yourself
As you try to develop a friendship with your child, it is important to remain yourself. You should not imitate someone, copy someone's behavior, try to behave in a manner unusual for you. Falseness and unnaturalness will be felt immediately, and can be mistaken for insincerity. Being friends with a child does not mean behaving in a familiar way with him, it means treating him with trust, love and being ready to help whenever you need it.
