The idea to write this article came to my mind after I encountered on the Internet negative attitudes towards women who have a desire to remarry after a divorce or the death of their husband. Sharp criticism and condemnation of this intention caused a flurry of indignation in my soul, in connection with which I could not ignore such a topic and decided to write about it.

Starting a family- this is what Allah commanded His slaves to do, giving a clear indication of this in the Quran, which says:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

(meaning): " Of the signs of Allah - that He created for you from yourself [from a kind of people] wives, so that you live in harmony with them, and arranged love and mercy between you. Truly, this certainly contains signs for people who meditate! "(Surah" Ar-Rum: 21).

Creating a family is the path of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, his Sunnah. In his hadith, he spoke about it like this:

النكاح من سنتي ، فمن لم يعمل بسنتي فليس مني

« Nikah (marriage) is my Sunnah, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah does not belong to me "(Ibn Majah).

As we can see in Islam marriage is a very, very godly deed. There are many personal and social issues that can be resolved through marriage. So, having united in the relations permitted by Allah, a man and a woman get the opportunity:

— give birth and raise children, thereby increasing the ummah of our Prophetﷺ ;

— help each other in worship and knowledge of religion;

— protect each other from sins and difficulties in life;

— find comfort for their souls in ordinary communication.

And, verily, all this is the great mercy of Allah, bestowed on us in the mortal world.

But, as we know, this world is just a test, and “ live happily ever after and die one day"Is possible only in fairy tales. In reality, not all families exist until the ripe old age of both spouses. Unfortunately, some people remain lonely when they are still very young or already in adulthood.

And what to do in this case? Indeed, with the breakdown of marriage or the death of a spouse, we do not lose the need for family relationships and family warmth. We still need each other: men women and women men. Allah created us like that and we will remain like that until our last day.

That is why any normal and healthy person strives to have a family throughout his life. That is why observers laws of Allah slaves are uncomfortable and difficult to be alone in this world.

So why should we be negative about the desire of our sisters or brothers to re-create a family ?!

Each of us has our own life and our own trials, and we will never be able to fully understand the other person, his feelings and needs. Therefore, it is extremely wrong on our part to condemn anyone for their desire to start a family.

By no means am I trying with this article to urge everyone to run away and conclude nicknames if they are left alone for some reason. This is a personal matter for everyone. And only the person himself, based on his needs and desires, should make such a choice.

I just wanted to say that none of us has the right to condemn others for their desire to have a family. Moreover, women who, left alone, are even more in need of male support and care.

Our life is changeable... Allah tests us with our children, family, property. And the one who is prosperous in all respects today may become needy or lonely tomorrow.

Therefore, instead of condemning each other for what we are not able to understand, we should thank the Almighty for what we have today and ask to save it in the future.

Summing up, I want to say again that marriage is a very, very good thing. And every person should strive to create a family and value it.

Ibn Mas'ud (may Allah be pleased with him) said:

لو لم يبق من عمري إلا عشرة أيام لأحببت أن أتزوج لكيلا ألقى الله عزبا

« Even if I have 10 days left to live, then I would like to live them, being married, so as not to meet the Almighty single».

Take care of your families - indeed, this is the great mercy of Allah.

The family is the main component of our life. Each person sooner or later begins to strive to create a family. But in life it happens that it is not always possible, and in some cases necessary, to preserve the marriage. Everyone has the right to correct the failed family life. Remarriage for many of us, this is a second chance to build a stronger, more united family. What are the main benefits of remarriage?

But it often happens that people who remarry again experience the same problems they faced in their first marriage. This can be explained by the fact that people unconsciously choose those people who are similar to the first partner. This is influenced by the psychological attitudes of a person, which pull him towards people of a certain type.

According to psychological studies, they found that remarriage is stronger than the previous one. Statistics show that 60% of women and 40% of men stop at the second marriage. There are many reasons for this. Psychologists believe that when marrying again, one must remember that we do not completely get rid of our ex-spouse, we will always subconsciously compare him with our second spouse. In addition, according to all the same psychologists, almost any marriage can be preserved, but spouses do not always realize this. When a person first marries, he is impulsive, more emotional, he has no experience of family life, he does not know that the main condition for a strong family is to have patience with the shortcomings of his half, the ability to make compromises.

It should be noted that men are much more likely to remarry than women. Since a woman is much more prudent and more careful than a man, she will decide to marry again only to a man who will give her one hundred percent confidence in him and peace of mind. This reluctance of women to remarry can in part be attributed to the disadvantages of men. Some women explain their unwillingness to get married by the fact that they do not want to "climb into the same swamp."

The family can be called a kind of elixir of longevity, since statistics show that people who are married, on average, live twice as long as single people. In addition, it is recommended to get married after the age of 40, as it helps to cope with various difficulties, illnesses, adds a sense of confidence, etc. This is especially true for women, since they have an inexhaustible stream of love and desire to take care of someone, this requires an exit.

The truth is, remarriages are more stable than previous ones. Due to the fact that a person gains experience in the first marriage, becomes more mature, then with the second partner he begins to build relationships more deliberately, it is easier to relate to any mistakes of the new partner, try to smooth out sharp corners and scandals in new family.

Everyone gets remarried differently. The most important thing here is not to fall into despair if, for a long period after the divorce, it is not possible to start a new relationship, and in every possible way to drive away from oneself the feeling of one's own uselessness. As is often the case, people desperate to enter into other relationships often marry only to feel needed, so as not to be left alone. But these kinds of marriages are inherently doomed to fail. Statistics show that remarriages are concluded approximately two to three years after divorce from the previous husband. Rehabilitation of women after parting with their first man takes about a year, while a man needs about one and a half years.

You should not rush to remarry. Everything has its time. Remember one thing, the best sign that you are ready for a new relationship is when your ex-husband's opinion of your new relationship means nothing to you. When you go to the registry office again, create yourself a positive attitude towards a long and happy marriage.

In order for a remarriage to be successful, remember some rules:

• Never compare your second spouse to your previous one.
• Be tolerant of your significant other. This process is very complicated, so you need to put a lot of effort into this.
• Accept the person for who they are.
• Be sure to learn to seek and compromise.
• Be kind to your partner, try not to notice his shortcomings, sincerely praise him for any achievements and successes.
• Treat life with humor. Humor in relationships is sometimes critical.

Hello dear readers!

This article is dedicated to those who are about to tie the knot for the second time. Life is unpredictable and therefore amazing. People meet, fall in love, get married, and many also get divorced.

The lovers are sure that they will live a long and happy life together, but the idyll ends where everyday problems and other family troubles begin.

Times are changing, what was valuable before is not so important now, which is probably why people part completely and irrevocably. After a divorce, life does not end, after a while many women leave married a second time.

If you still have feelings for your ex-husband, then it makes no sense to marry another person. Doing this is evil, irresponsible and not far-sighted. First understand yourself, be aware of what happened and live without looking back. Men like optimists, they are easy to go through life with.

When creating a new unit of society, one should forget about old attitudes and rules. Start with a clean slate, but don't make the mistakes you've made before.

Any family is faced with temporary difficulties, they need to go through. Each person has both disadvantages and advantages. If you love a man, then accept him, as they say, with all the giblets. When planning to get married a second time, you should get to know the future spouse well so that his shortcomings do not become a reason for breaking off relations.

Maturity is considered the advantage of a second marriage. People who have survived a divorce have a different attitude to everyday problems, they do not dramatize, but solve most issues calmly. The experience, albeit sad, will help determine what is important in family life and what is secondary.

As a rule, women in a second marriage are more calm and restrained. Perhaps the habits of the new husband remind of the past, but people change, and with them the reaction to what is happening. Invaluable life experience will allow you to understand the intricacies family relations.

The new husband must accept your child unconditionally. If he has a different opinion on this, consider whether it is worth marrying him. The future spouse should be introduced to the children in advance. Observe how he gets along with them and how the kids perceive him.

They are vulnerable after their parents' divorce, so a special approach is needed. Don't force kids to call someone else's daddy. Let him become him best friend or a loved one. Be patient, talk to them about possible changes in life, listen to what they say. Through discussion, you will surely come to a common denominator.

For the well-being in a new family, come up with new rules and traditions. For solving everyday problems, do not forget to arrange family holidays. Get out of town, spend time with the whole family, not separately. The lack of common interests leads to discord in the relationship.

The husband will be in seventh heaven with happiness if his woman keeps company on a fishing trip or cheers for his favorite football team. This does not mean that you need to dissolve in a partner, on the contrary, you must be versatile. developed personality, then interest in you will never disappear.

When starting a new relationship, watch your speech, do not allow yourself to cry out. Of course, anything can happen in family life, but keep such situations to a minimum by using common sense and a little understanding.

As a rule, second marriages are happy. Couples made conclusions and try not to repeat previous mistakes. Women tend to be analytical, so the chances of it working out this time are pretty high. On the contrary, men simplify everything, they rarely think about what has been done, therefore they often step on the well-known rake.

The development of harmonious relationships is impossible without intimacy. Emotionally tying a person to yourself is real, the main thing is to add variety to your sex life, to understand his desires, to talk frankly about yours. The man will be grateful for the initiative.

Get married a second time, only when you let go of the past, change your own beliefs, find a person who, by his appearance, makes the world around you better. Recommend this material to your friends in in social networks, because no one knows what will happen tomorrow, our business is to remain happy today.

There are those who are unhappy in marriage, there are those who are happily divorced. But let's not forget about those women who about themselves can say for sure “I want to get married a second time”. So I propose to consider some of the reasons for remarriage and some of the models for choosing a new partner, and also consider their consequences.

Reason one: looking for a defender

Often women are called the weaker sex. Gradually, we ourselves begin to believe in it, partially or
fully. Ladies who want to get married, to be protected, cared for, easily give responsibility for their lives to their husbands. On the one hand, they acquire the same notorious shield and support, but do not forget that freedom and responsibility are two sides of the same coin. Along with responsibility, you also lose freedom. Being, literally, "FOR your husband", you may find yourself under the influence of a tyrant and despot, to whom you are forced to obey.

Ask yourself the following questions: Was this the case in my first marriage? In my parents' family? In the family of my future spouse? Do we know how to distribute responsibilities mutually? Do I feel free in this relationship? Are our roles equally distributed?

The second reason: I am looking for a husband, not to offer my mother-in-law!

If your first marriage broke up through the fault of your mother-in-law, then you most likely still want to marry, but if not for an orphan, then for a man whose mother lives at a very respectful distance. If, for the second time, your chosen one turned out to be the owner of an annoying mother, then you better turn to a psychotherapist: there is a chance that you are acting according to the script. Suppose that apart from you, your new husband no longer has a family. But similar problems remained! If you failed to build boundaries between you and your mother-in-law in your first marriage, then there is a chance that in the second marriage there will also be something or someone who can also encroach on your territory. This could be your husband's boss who makes him stay up late into the night, his friends who dictate how you should live, perhaps children or previous partners claiming your spouse's attention at the appointed time for you. And it may not be that your man is weak-willed, perhaps he assumes that everything is in order, since you do not declare your needs and do not insist on yours.

Is it easy to overpower you? Were there people in your childhood who behaved adamantly with you? What is so bad about it if you insist on it? Does your chosen one give preference in controversial situations to your interests, or does he care more about the interests of others?

Reason three: children need a father

And you are looking for a father for your children. Think about whether they need it? Understand, you will not do them good by such a sacrifice. First, all responsibility for your unhappy life now rests with them, because it was “for their sake” that you decided to take such a step. Second, you are setting an unhealthy example. They learn that you cannot be happy in marriage, that you can never defend your interests. Thirdly, being in a family where there is no love between spouses, children acquire neuroses and the notorious psychological trauma. Fourth, they already have a father. No matter how bad he may be, even if he does not contact children, denying his existence, trying to replace him, speaking badly about him, you tell the child “half of you is wrong, bad”.

Do not be afraid to get married a second time when you already have children, but only for love. Do not immediately try on the role of a father on a new husband, if he wants it - it will happen by itself. But be prepared that he may not want it. There is nothing wrong. The main thing is that he treats your children with respect, does not humiliate them, does not abuse power, and you would cope with all the other pedagogical moments without him.

Do I need a husband or father for the children? How do I rate my chosen one as a husband? How do I assess my chosen one as a father? Which of these estimates is higher? Has my partner found a common language with the children? Am I putting pressure on my new spouse? Am I putting pressure on my children? If my children do not accept my chosen one as a father, will he still be interesting to me as a man?

Reason four: I need a partner for old age

The reason for remarriage can be the fear of lonely old age. You want to have someone nearby who can help you, take care of you. It so happens that two elderly people unite for this purpose, create such a kind of marriage. But if you are still young ...

Where do the legs of your fear grow from: have you seen lonely old age in someone close to you, in your neighbors? Why did this person do this? How old are you? How long do you feel after what period of time you will not be able to take care of yourself? Why is this going to happen? Do you have feelings for your boyfriend? Will you be able to live with him, won't it be uncomfortable for you? Is this hope for a single old age spent years in marriage with an unloved person? What are you missing? What are you getting? What can you do now to provide yourself with proper care as you age?

The fifth reason: I will marry money!

You feel financially insecure and strive to find a rich husband. The situation is aggravated when the first time you married for love and now you have the right to say that you have had enough emotions, now you want to live well. Marriages of convenience are a separate topic. Most likely, your chosen one also has some kind of "calculation": your beauty, or thriftiness, or something else. This leads to the following questions:

How long can he “buy” it (until your beauty fades, until he realizes it's easier to hire a housewife)? What will happen to you if this marriage falls apart, where will you end up? What can you do now to get rid of financial insecurity? What do you lose and what do you gain?

The sixth reason: I am looking for eternal love!

You separated from your first husband in a quiet way, you are full of strength and hope to find love. You still believe in her and believe in your soul mate. You believe that you can get married once and for all and everything will be fine, just like in American films. It's great that you decided to settle for this feeling anyway. But to expect that it will last forever is extremely childish. Before you achieve a strong, lasting feeling, you will go through a series of stages that will not always be pleasant. You will have to work hard on your relationship to make this love “eternal”.

Before marriage, did you have similar feelings and expectations towards your first husband? What can you do to strengthen your relationship with your current partner? Don't you think that relationships should unfold by themselves? Are you ready to work on a relationship? What about your partner? What will happen if this marriage is also unsuccessful?

Reason seven: I want a ring on my finger!

I want to get married, to be unmarried is bad. This is what such brides are guided by. Notice that in the course of their thoughts nothing is said either about love, or about the man they want to see next to them. Most likely, marriage for them is an indicator of status, which gives its advantages and freedoms. Unfortunately, so little time and effort is devoted to the husband's figure and relationships that such marriages are often unsuccessful.

What do you gain through marriage? How can you achieve this in other ways? If you meet (or have already met) a worthy young man, but he will have a condition: no formalization of the relationship, will you stay with him? Which of your loved ones is lobbying for the idea of ​​the need to get married?

Now the main thing , if you do decide to remarry, ask yourself: why am I doing this? Am I driven by a serious, mature feeling of love and ready to take responsibility, or am I misled by stereotypes, fears or dreams? What do I expect from a second marriage? Have we worked out an algorithm for solving problems? Is my partner ready for this step? Do we have common goals? Am I comparing my chosen one with my first spouse?

These are just some of the questions that you should give yourself an honest (!) Answer. If you find it difficult to figure it out or you want to probably think over your decision - I am always waiting for you in my office or on Skype.

Remarriage

Statistics show that just under half of divorced people get remarried. In remarriage, specific problems may arise due to the burden of past family experiences (either of one or both spouses). This topic is not fully explored in the special literature. The famous psychotherapist S. Crytohville. He described the main types of remarriage.

• ? The marriage of a divorced middle-aged and elderly man to a young, free and childless woman.
• ? Marriage of a divorced man, whose children remain with their mother, to a divorced woman with a child or several children.
• ? Marriage of a widower to a widow.

V first type In marriage, the relationship initially develops quite harmoniously with a combination of 4parental and “childish” behavior of the spouses. If such relations remain unchanged in the future, the family will exist for a long time as a fairly stable system. In the event that a woman refuses to play the role of a "child", she can begin to claim the leading role, critically assessing the habits and values ​​of her husband. The fate of marriage in this case will depend on the husband's ability to rebuild the type of relationship with a young, socially successful wife.

In second type marriage psychological problems may arise when children refuse to recognize the stepfather's right to a full-fledged place in the structure of family relations. He can be perceived by them as an uninvited guest, taking away part of the mother's time and love from the children. The wife begins to feel resentful and annoyed when new husband allows himself to criticize her children. Tensions between spouses will ease with the birth of a common child, but may increase if there are problems in the relationship between “her” children and “their” children.

V third type a widow's marriage with a widower who had successful marriages, problems arise only if one of the spouses persistently compares the second partner with the first, idealizing the deceased.

S. Kratochwill, describing the second marriage, emphasizes its positive aspects. The advantages of a second marriage are that spouses treat their union more rationally, without romantic hopes of eternal love, which makes the marriage more stable (independent of the intensity of emotional manifestations). Such partners are also more prepared for possible family complications and are ready to make efforts to save the family.

In the second marriage, neurotics have the same problems as in the first: an unsuccessful choice of a marriage partner, behavioral errors, similar reasons for conflicts and a new divorce. For example, a man, having divorced an exalted and hysterical woman, remarries a hysterical woman. A woman who leaves her alcoholic husband marries a drinking man.

Normal, well-adapted personalities, as a rule, are able to analyze the reasons for the failure of the first marriage and choose a different, more adequate partner.

S. Cratohville writes:

“A man who had an overly caring wife in his first marriage, from whose excessive care he felt like an ignorant child, for the second time chooses a woman with whom he establishes symmetrical companionship, or even a dependent woman counting on his care and protection, which allows to maintain a sense of maturity and a sense of responsibility. A woman who was married to an alcoholic wants to find a calm, non-drinking person for her husband, to whom she will show exceptional friendliness and tolerance, if only he will take care of the house.

The psychological problems of remarriage are thoroughly and accurately described by the American family psychologist. V. Satyr. She calls a family created by a man and a woman who have children from their first marriage, a blended family. All mixed families are somewhat similar to each other, mainly in that they are the amalgamation of parts from pre-existing family systems. There are three types of such families.

• ? A woman with children marries a man without children.
• ? A man with children marries a woman without children.
• ? Both spouses have children from previous partners.

According to Satyr, the space of such a family is psychologically included and ex-husbands, and ex-wives... This is due to the fact that their behavior and their intentions inevitably affect the events taking place in the family. A blended family can live happily if each of its members feels their importance and can take their place in the structure of family interaction. The author expresses an idea about the causes of problems in such families. They arise if people try to "forget" those with whom they were previously emotionally connected, or believe former spouses enemies, using children as spies.

In his famous book "How to build yourself and your family" V. Satir gives an example from his psychological practice:

“I remember a sixteen-year-old girl who got depressed very often. It so happened that she lived with her mother and stepfather, one day off she spent with her father and his bride, another with her mother and her new husband, and the third with her mother's parents. Each time, the adults asked her to talk about what was happening with other family members; at the same time, they took from her promises not to talk about what was happening here. And although they all really loved the girl and wanted to help her, they unknowingly put on her shoulders an unbearable burden of problems caused by jealousy, rivalry and resentment. "

Drawing on his rich experience of working with family, V. Satir describes a number of problems of divorced spouses that arise in remarriage.

• ? Women who remarry with children may form coalitions with them, not trusting the new husband with their upbringing, treating the children as if they were her property. This creates a barrier for the new spouse to take responsibility for the family as a whole and bring a new lifestyle into it.
• ? A stepfather seeking to satisfy his new wife's desire to show the children “firm, male hand»In relation to children (especially sons), runs the risk of permanently ruining relations with them. This is due to the fact that he may not yet have sufficient authority to demand respect and obedience. Most often, the stepfather begins to conflict with teenagers.
• ? Spouses may unwittingly project onto each other the expectations of their past family experience, while being in contact not with a real person, but the "image" of the previous partner.
• ? The entry of a new person into the family is hampered by the already established family traditions, rules and regulations that may be unknown to him. Voluntarily or involuntarily violating existing customs, a new family member psychologically moves away from the family and is perceived as a “stranger”.

V. Satir optimistically notes that any mixed family can establish a full-fledged family life. This will happen if the spouses are mature and patient people capable of sincere, open communication. They must learn to raise their own children and the children of the other spouse without neglecting anyone or deceiving anyone.

Control questions

• 1. How do the concepts of “problem family” and “dysfunctional family” relate?
• 2. What are the main disharmonious family unions.
• 3. How is the double bond phenomenon manifested?
• 4. What roles does a child from an alcoholic family choose for adaptation?
• 5. What psychological difficulties does an incomplete family face?
• 6. What are the main psychological problems of remarriage?
• 7. How does the structure of relations change when a patient appears in the family?